Vulnerable

I had an experience this week that left me feeling so vulnerable.

I walked away thinking to myself, "Why do I put myself out there? It sure would be easier to sit in my house and watch the mice dart across my kitchen."

Which by the way, they continue to mock us though we have tried many a 'rid your house of the mouse' solutions. They even chewed my favorite kitchen rug. I've officially declared war. You can mess with my food but don't you dare chew my pretties.

And I know many of you suggested getting a cat which would be a great suggestion if I wasn't so highly emotionally allergic to the creature called feline.

I am also emotionally allergic to the vulnerability of rejection. But that's exactly where I ventured this week. I think most Jesus girls feel this way. And I think His mercies towards us are especially tender because He knows what we feel.

Which leads me to a fear I have with the She Speaks Scholarship winners that will be announced tomorrow. We will all cheer and clap and be genuinely excited for the winners.

But, there were close to 200 blog entries and 100 more e-mail entries. That's 300 applicants vying for 4 scholarships.

So, I know there will be many of you who eagerly rush to your computer on Friday morning with every finger and toe crossed having prayed and prayed and prayed... and your name won't be there. Your heart will sink. And some part of not seeing your name will sting.

And I hate that.

I wish with every fiber of my being I could give away a scholarship to every single entry. But just as I start doing mental math and thinking of crazy possibilities, Jesus reminds me and reassures me He's got this all under control.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us," (1 John4:16).

Those who are supposed to come will be provided for by Him. And in that provision will be a miraculous experience of God. Getting the She Speaks scholarship would be an incredible disservice to that person because God wants to show up and show off in much bigger ways.

"Therefore let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and find grace whenever we need help," (Hebrews 4:16).

There are also those who are not supposed to be at She Speaks this year. God is answering some prayers with, "No, sweetheart. Please trust me with this." 'No' is so stinkin' hard to hear but we can rest in the reality that God's no's are always wrapped in protection and redirected purpose.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose," (Romans 8:28).

As I ran this morning with Holly, we prayed so fervently over all this. We prayed for the judges to have divine wisdom and discernment. We prayed for hearts to be protected. And we prayed for dreams to be realized in the exact way God desires.

Rest in this today my sisters.

And like my friend Samantha said on the Proverbs Facebook page yesterday- let your soul soak in each one of these words {My} {Redeemer} {Lives}.

Yes, He does.

I need to press this into my heart and mind today. What about you? Whether you entered the scholarship contest or not, how do these truths soothe your heart today?

See you in the morning sweet friends...

The girl called loser and the Jesus who loves her

Welcome "Encouragement for Today" readers... I'm glad you're here.

The year was 1982. I was in the 7th grade.

With frizzy brown hair, bucked teeth, and a knock off brand Izod I walked down the pea green hallway of Raa Middle School. It was the day after student counsel elections.

The day after my classmates confirmed what I'd so desperately feared. If you didn't have beauty, boobs, and boyfriends no one would vote for you.

I shuffled toward my locker wishing I was invisible. I kept my eyes down while I willed my feet to just keep walking. Finally, my locker was in site. That glorious metal box was my one space in this world of catty girls with cute outfits and spiral permed hair. The space where I could hide my face, let the tears slip, and pretend to be busy shuffling books.

But instead of finding respite in that tiny metal space, I found one of my election posters plastered to the front with the word, "loser" scrawled across the front. How do you quickly hide a poster sized proclamation by the world that you aren't good enough, cool enough, pretty enough, or accepted enough?

Books dropping, girls laughing, tape ripping, poster board crunching were sounds throbbing in my ears as the poster board resisted my attempts to ball it up small enough to fit into the mouth of the hallway trashcan.

"Please fit, please fit, please fit! Oh God please help this stupid poster from this stupid election with my stupid face on it disappear into this stupid trashcan!"

The bell rang. And as all the 'normal' people scampered past me I heard Stephanie's voice like a dagger's death blow whisper, "Loser."

I turned and saw my one confidant. My one friend. My one secret holder being welcomed into the popular girl's circle. Her public rejection of me was her ticket in to the crowd we'd secretly loathed together. Together.

I sank down beside the stupid trashcan where the stupid poster slowly untwisted on the ground in front of me. Loser.

I remembered this last night as I sat in front of a group of young high school students. Girls who vulnerably shared how hard peer relationships can be. They described tangled relationships and feelings of loneliness so consuming they sometimes wished the world would open up and swallow them whole.

I understood their feelings all too well. I have felt the sting of loneliness. I felt it in the flat chested stage of middle school. I have felt it in the sagging chested stage of adulthood. Relationships can be hard no matter what age you are. And here's the real kicker.

I always thought my ticket to acceptance would have come had I won that school election. Not so. For I've discovered on the other side of achievements if you were lonely before you win, you'll be lonely after you win. No amount of outward success can give you inward acceptance.

I've only been able to find that in the comfort of one who will never reject me. The one who knows what it feels like to be rejected though he should have been the most accepted. The one who will sit with me and remind me rejection from man doesn't equal rejection from God. The one who whispers to the girl sitting at the foot of the locker, "Who are they to put a label on you? The label can only stick if you let it."

Hebrew reminds me of a lot I need to remember...

Hebrews 2:

v. 14- He (Jesus) shared in their humanity (He has personally felt what you feel)

v. 15- and free those who all their lives were held in slavery (He can conquer this tough situation)

v. 18- Because he himself suffered when he was tempted (He perfectly comforts those suffering)

v. 18 b- he is able to help those who are being tempted (and is able to show you what to do)

Hebrews 3:1, " ... fix your thoughts on Jesus," (Don't get consumed with the situation rather consume your thoughts with His perspective, His truth, and His certain victory for you.)

Hebrews 4: 15-16, "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin. Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we many receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

And of course I have to throw in a little 2 Thessalonians 1:6-7, "God is just; He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you and give relief to you who are troubled..."

And all the Jesus girls who have ever sat crying at the foot of trashcan said, Amen! And Amen!

If you can relate to this post... consider reading my book "Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl." If you have a book club or Bible Study you would also enjoy the DVD teaching series by the same title. You can find those here and here.

Sweating in church

Hey sweet friend... If you are looking for the She Speaks contest click here.

Yesterday, I was studying what causes people to feel spiritually frustrated. The two top reasons? Bible study and prayer.

I get it.

I can clearly remember sitting in church sweating because everyone else knew instantly how to get to every passage in the Bible the preacher man referenced. But not me. I was more interested in counting the preacher man's spit droplets than any of the fiery words he was spewing out.

Others seemed all wrapped up and excited in what this preacher man had to say. They'd shout loud, "Un-hunh's" and "Amens!" What were they smoking? What was I missing?

And then there was my prayer life. Or the lack there-of. It's not that I didn't want to pray but the whole concept of talking to God felt weird. I tried to copy the prayers of those who seemed like they knew they were doing more than talking to the air.

But then my quirky self would sneak in and leave me feeling foolish for what I'd just said to the God of the Universe. "Dear Lord, take this food to the nourishment of my body. (Good so far.) And if you could change the molecular structure of these cheesy fries to be like carrot stick that sure would be bomb-diggity." (Hunh?)

Like the saying goes, "We've come a long way baby." Except that I'm pretty sure you could still trip me up in finding certain passages in the Bible. And I'm pretty sure you might still hear me say bomb-diggity in my prayers. But according to what Jesus taught in Matthew 6:7 I think He's okay with that.

"And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like the pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

For me, sincerity and simplicity are two keys to unlocking spiritual frustration with both my Bible study and my prayers. Why do we make it all so complicated?

I think a few honest moments spent with God reading His work, sharing our heart, and listening for His instruction are quite perfect. Jesus might even say they are bomb-diggity.

What do you think? Have you struggled with spiritual frustration?