So.
Where did we leave off yesterday?
Yes, the conversation I overheard clearly indicating the business man sitting near me in the restaurant last week was in the midst of betraying his wife- his family- his legacy.
Which left me stunned.
And kept my brain operating on overdrive into the wee hours that night while fear twisted its cruel claws around my heart.
Squeezing. Accusing. Wondering. Doubting. Panicking.
With each beat of my racing pulse, irrationality beckoned me to dance with a fear I've had since my Dad left my mom all those years ago. I still hear his words lingering as he walked out of our lives forever, "I never wanted children, especially not a girl."
And while I was completely convinced I'd found freedom from this brokenness of my past, I realized the other day, betrayal runs very deep. There is a cavernous crack in my heart that can't ever be filled by my husband. No amount of assurances, promises, or tender kisses on my fearful face can fix me.
They can patch me.
But my husband's tender responses to my fears of betrayal can't fix me.
Only God can visit the places that deep within. Only His truth can fix me.
I wish I could tell you, I suddenly turned to God in that late night dance with fear. I didn't. I invited fear in and lost all sense of reality.
At 3 am I jumped out of bed and grabbed my husband's cell phone. I sat in my closet frantically going through every one of his contacts, his call list, and every text message.
In the physical realm I was just an irrationally suspicious wife. In the spiritual realm I imagine the crescendo of Satan's hissing and swirling and vicious ripping at my heart.
And what did I find on his cell phone?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing of concern at all.
And then I felt like the biggest fool. Not because I went through his phone. But because I'd allowed Satan to fill me with such fear that I'd lost all sense of trust for Art.
I was the betrayer now. Betraying the truth of trust Art has tenderly built in the crazy patchwork heart of his wife.
At 9 am after a long run and getting the kids off to school, I wearily made my way to my unsuspecting husband getting ready to leave for work.
I told him the whole story and all about my crazy 3 am frantic search through his phone. He quipped back, "I'm glad you looked and found you have no reason to be afraid."
I smiled.
But then I thought of that wife.
The wife of the man at the restaurant. And I realized there will always evidence of betrayal in this world. It's the man at the restaurant, it's a sports figure on the news, it's a friend I haven't seen in years who broke down in tears when I asked about her family... betrayal is real and current and happening all around us.
So, how do we protect our hearts from being consumed with this fear and at the same time keep a healthy awareness that we must be on guard against the great enemy of our marriages?
I'm not naive. I know the realities of living in a broken world. But I don't want to find myself in my closet frantically going through my husband's phone at 3am- ever again. There is a big difference between being consumed with fear and having a healthy awareness.
Fear erodes trust. Fear makes us irrational. Fear robs us of so much.
We imagine affairs that aren't happening. We mentally plan funerals of loved ones that are alive and well. And we panic over situations that may not ever happen. We live in this ethereal world of what if's and wear ourselves slap out.
On the other hand a healthy awareness of the realities of our broken world motivates me to love lavishly today, chose to trust until I have a concrete reason not to, fill my mind with the truth of God, and pray like crazy for the protection of my marriage. I'll walk in what I know to be true today. Fear will not be the cloak I drape across my trust any longer.
Like 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) reminds us, "God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind."
Tomorrow we'll talk about a gift God has given to us girls who fear. A real gift of hope and practical help.
In the meantime, pray for that man from that restaurant. I know many of you were hoping I had a story of a great dramatic confrontation, but I don't. Believe me, I begged God to let me hurt him, I mean, lovingly confront him with the truth and redemption of Jesus.
But God said no.
This man is blind. He is deceived. He is dancing with the devil.
But God did say I should pray! So this man now has thousands of women entering into the spiritual realm praying the truth of his sin to become visible. And when it is seen by him, I pray it scares his pants off.
No. I pray it scares his pants ON!
And I pray it breaks his heart in the best kind of way.
Where did we leave off yesterday?
Yes, the conversation I overheard clearly indicating the business man sitting near me in the restaurant last week was in the midst of betraying his wife- his family- his legacy.
Which left me stunned.
And kept my brain operating on overdrive into the wee hours that night while fear twisted its cruel claws around my heart.
Squeezing. Accusing. Wondering. Doubting. Panicking.
With each beat of my racing pulse, irrationality beckoned me to dance with a fear I've had since my Dad left my mom all those years ago. I still hear his words lingering as he walked out of our lives forever, "I never wanted children, especially not a girl."
And while I was completely convinced I'd found freedom from this brokenness of my past, I realized the other day, betrayal runs very deep. There is a cavernous crack in my heart that can't ever be filled by my husband. No amount of assurances, promises, or tender kisses on my fearful face can fix me.
They can patch me.
But my husband's tender responses to my fears of betrayal can't fix me.
Only God can visit the places that deep within. Only His truth can fix me.
I wish I could tell you, I suddenly turned to God in that late night dance with fear. I didn't. I invited fear in and lost all sense of reality.
At 3 am I jumped out of bed and grabbed my husband's cell phone. I sat in my closet frantically going through every one of his contacts, his call list, and every text message.
In the physical realm I was just an irrationally suspicious wife. In the spiritual realm I imagine the crescendo of Satan's hissing and swirling and vicious ripping at my heart.
And what did I find on his cell phone?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing of concern at all.
And then I felt like the biggest fool. Not because I went through his phone. But because I'd allowed Satan to fill me with such fear that I'd lost all sense of trust for Art.
I was the betrayer now. Betraying the truth of trust Art has tenderly built in the crazy patchwork heart of his wife.
At 9 am after a long run and getting the kids off to school, I wearily made my way to my unsuspecting husband getting ready to leave for work.
I told him the whole story and all about my crazy 3 am frantic search through his phone. He quipped back, "I'm glad you looked and found you have no reason to be afraid."
I smiled.
But then I thought of that wife.
The wife of the man at the restaurant. And I realized there will always evidence of betrayal in this world. It's the man at the restaurant, it's a sports figure on the news, it's a friend I haven't seen in years who broke down in tears when I asked about her family... betrayal is real and current and happening all around us.
So, how do we protect our hearts from being consumed with this fear and at the same time keep a healthy awareness that we must be on guard against the great enemy of our marriages?
I'm not naive. I know the realities of living in a broken world. But I don't want to find myself in my closet frantically going through my husband's phone at 3am- ever again. There is a big difference between being consumed with fear and having a healthy awareness.
Fear erodes trust. Fear makes us irrational. Fear robs us of so much.
We imagine affairs that aren't happening. We mentally plan funerals of loved ones that are alive and well. And we panic over situations that may not ever happen. We live in this ethereal world of what if's and wear ourselves slap out.
On the other hand a healthy awareness of the realities of our broken world motivates me to love lavishly today, chose to trust until I have a concrete reason not to, fill my mind with the truth of God, and pray like crazy for the protection of my marriage. I'll walk in what I know to be true today. Fear will not be the cloak I drape across my trust any longer.
Like 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) reminds us, "God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind."
Tomorrow we'll talk about a gift God has given to us girls who fear. A real gift of hope and practical help.
In the meantime, pray for that man from that restaurant. I know many of you were hoping I had a story of a great dramatic confrontation, but I don't. Believe me, I begged God to let me hurt him, I mean, lovingly confront him with the truth and redemption of Jesus.
But God said no.
This man is blind. He is deceived. He is dancing with the devil.
But God did say I should pray! So this man now has thousands of women entering into the spiritual realm praying the truth of his sin to become visible. And when it is seen by him, I pray it scares his pants off.
No. I pray it scares his pants ON!
And I pray it breaks his heart in the best kind of way.
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