The other day I referenced a conversation I had a couple of years ago with my son and his girlfriend at the time and several of you asked me how did I get my son to open up with me about their struggles. They had gone too far physically. While they hadn't crossed every line, enough had happened that they were scared.
First, let me tell you I will never be the mom sitting around shining her halo about what a great job I do as a mother. So, please don't see this conversation as some kind of indication that I've got things all figured out. I don't.
I struggle more wondering if I'm doing this mothering thing right than any other area of my life. And there are lots of things I've done wrong along this journey.
But one thing I have done right is asking God to give me a spirit of wisdom and discernment. I've asked this of the Lord more times than I can count. I want to be able to discern what's really going on in the hearts of my kids and I want to have the wisdom to know how to respond.
It's funny, with little stuff... like a teen who knows better spilling cranberry juice on my white chair after I just instructed them to keep the juice on the kitchen table... or a lazy response to my request to help carry the groceries in...I feel those firecrackers in my Italian blood start to ignite.
I have to fight like mad to keep my responses calm. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't.
But throw something big at me... like one of my teens who only had his learner's permit deciding to move my car in the driveway and causing thousands of dollars of damage to my visiting friend's car... or my son and his girlfriend admitting something hard for me to hear... and an unexplainable calm washes over me.
My son had experienced this calm during some other really tough things so he had the assurance I wouldn't freak out with this big issue.
And, I'd had plenty of honest conversations with him about the reality of teenager hormones. My hormones as a young adult had gotten me into trouble. When each of my kid's were mature enough to handle my story, I've been very honest with them. But, I've always placed a lot of emphasis on the consequences of my choices.
My goal with these conversations has always been to get them to think beyond what feels good and easy in this moment. Because what we chose in this moment will determine what we experience in many future moments.
I once sat some of my kids down and wrote out what they would need to one day live in a small home with some very basic necessities. Then I wrote out how much money they'd need to make per hour in order for this to be their reality. They were shocked by how expensive life really is. And they were really shocked to see how tough this would be if they dropped out of high school.
Not that they were thinking of dropping out of high school... but it sure does prove a strong point when they ask why school matters.
Emphasizing that every choice will either carry with it a blessing or a consequence has been a thread I've tried to keep consistent throughout my parenting journey. It's not always easy to operate under the reality discipline premise but it's the only thing that's worked for me.
I'll write more about this next week. My son will be home from college and I want him to weigh in on this discussion. I write all this to ultimately say, I don't really know why my son came to me that day. And I certainly don't have a step by step plan to help make this a reality for my other kids.
I just have some serious prayers invested, a few things I've done right, a bucket load of things I've done wrong, and the grace of a very forgiving God.
First, let me tell you I will never be the mom sitting around shining her halo about what a great job I do as a mother. So, please don't see this conversation as some kind of indication that I've got things all figured out. I don't.
I struggle more wondering if I'm doing this mothering thing right than any other area of my life. And there are lots of things I've done wrong along this journey.
But one thing I have done right is asking God to give me a spirit of wisdom and discernment. I've asked this of the Lord more times than I can count. I want to be able to discern what's really going on in the hearts of my kids and I want to have the wisdom to know how to respond.
It's funny, with little stuff... like a teen who knows better spilling cranberry juice on my white chair after I just instructed them to keep the juice on the kitchen table... or a lazy response to my request to help carry the groceries in...I feel those firecrackers in my Italian blood start to ignite.
I have to fight like mad to keep my responses calm. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't.
But throw something big at me... like one of my teens who only had his learner's permit deciding to move my car in the driveway and causing thousands of dollars of damage to my visiting friend's car... or my son and his girlfriend admitting something hard for me to hear... and an unexplainable calm washes over me.
My son had experienced this calm during some other really tough things so he had the assurance I wouldn't freak out with this big issue.
And, I'd had plenty of honest conversations with him about the reality of teenager hormones. My hormones as a young adult had gotten me into trouble. When each of my kid's were mature enough to handle my story, I've been very honest with them. But, I've always placed a lot of emphasis on the consequences of my choices.
My goal with these conversations has always been to get them to think beyond what feels good and easy in this moment. Because what we chose in this moment will determine what we experience in many future moments.
I once sat some of my kids down and wrote out what they would need to one day live in a small home with some very basic necessities. Then I wrote out how much money they'd need to make per hour in order for this to be their reality. They were shocked by how expensive life really is. And they were really shocked to see how tough this would be if they dropped out of high school.
Not that they were thinking of dropping out of high school... but it sure does prove a strong point when they ask why school matters.
Emphasizing that every choice will either carry with it a blessing or a consequence has been a thread I've tried to keep consistent throughout my parenting journey. It's not always easy to operate under the reality discipline premise but it's the only thing that's worked for me.
I'll write more about this next week. My son will be home from college and I want him to weigh in on this discussion. I write all this to ultimately say, I don't really know why my son came to me that day. And I certainly don't have a step by step plan to help make this a reality for my other kids.
I just have some serious prayers invested, a few things I've done right, a bucket load of things I've done wrong, and the grace of a very forgiving God.
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