This week marks a long season of "I don't know why" in my life.
Yesterday, I told you about Ashley's struggle and then total redemption with school. I like to write stories that have inspirationally tidy endings. I like to live stories that have inspirationally tidy endings.
But not all of life unfolds in neatly categorized and labeled ways.
Some things in life unfold in messy heaps leaving us broken and frustrated and waiting for answers that never seem to come. I'll be honest, I sometimes struggle with the "I don't know why's" of life.
It's not that I want to live a completely peachy life without struggles. It's just that I want to be able to walk through a struggle, understand the good from it, label my lesson, and pack it away.
But what do we do with those lingering struggles that leave gaping holes in our understanding of God's mercy, love, and strength beyond measure.
It's a blessing to know our God is able to do all things. But when he chooses not to do something we desperately want him to do, this same blessing stings. It rubs the very fibers of my sold out heart raw. It makes me cry.
This is where I am with Ashley's struggle to return to the sport she loves.
Ashley has been doing gymnastics for over 11 years. It's not only a sport my 14 year old loves but it seemed to be a sport tailor made for her 4'7', 70 pound frame. While it may be challenging in many ways to be this small, when this power packed girl walked onto the gym floor, her size was a strength. And a whole world of possibility stretched before her.
To Ashley it was more than just flips and stunts and winning trophies. Gymnastics was her thing. In a home of 5 children, she loved having something to call her very own.
And she was good. Really good. Like the famous line from Chariot's of fire, "She felt God's pleasure when she did gymnastics."
Then she injured her shoulder in an accident none of us can really understand or explain. All the rehab efforts over the past year have been geared toward getting her back into the gym.
Nothing seems to be working and the window of time where a gymnast can rehab and return is closing. We're now having conversations about her moving on. And in my flesh, these conversations make me want to cry late at night when no one else is looking. It hurts to see my girl hurting and questioning.
When we have "I don't know why" situations in life, we have to make the hard choice to settle our mind with what we do know. Otherwise, the I don't know why's will sweep us away into treacherous currents of doubt and disillusionment.
Spinning. Slipping. Sinking.
So, I grab hold of what I do know.
I do know God is a God of protection. God's love for my daughter is so consuming, He can only have her best interest in mind. It must be in her best interest to walk away from gymnastics.
I do know God is a God of provision. God's plans for my daughter are good even if they don't include this sport she loves. He will provide but probably not in the way we expect.
I do know God is a God of process. God's process to develop Ashley's character to match her calling must include her having to learn to let go of something she treasures.
So that's where I park my mind, my emotions, and my trust.
It's not the tidiest parking spot on the lot. It doesn't make the loss sting less.
But it's a place I can wad up my run away emotions and hand them over to my perfectly capable and all wise God.
Yesterday, I told you about Ashley's struggle and then total redemption with school. I like to write stories that have inspirationally tidy endings. I like to live stories that have inspirationally tidy endings.
But not all of life unfolds in neatly categorized and labeled ways.
Some things in life unfold in messy heaps leaving us broken and frustrated and waiting for answers that never seem to come. I'll be honest, I sometimes struggle with the "I don't know why's" of life.
It's not that I want to live a completely peachy life without struggles. It's just that I want to be able to walk through a struggle, understand the good from it, label my lesson, and pack it away.
But what do we do with those lingering struggles that leave gaping holes in our understanding of God's mercy, love, and strength beyond measure.
It's a blessing to know our God is able to do all things. But when he chooses not to do something we desperately want him to do, this same blessing stings. It rubs the very fibers of my sold out heart raw. It makes me cry.
This is where I am with Ashley's struggle to return to the sport she loves.
Ashley has been doing gymnastics for over 11 years. It's not only a sport my 14 year old loves but it seemed to be a sport tailor made for her 4'7', 70 pound frame. While it may be challenging in many ways to be this small, when this power packed girl walked onto the gym floor, her size was a strength. And a whole world of possibility stretched before her.
To Ashley it was more than just flips and stunts and winning trophies. Gymnastics was her thing. In a home of 5 children, she loved having something to call her very own.
And she was good. Really good. Like the famous line from Chariot's of fire, "She felt God's pleasure when she did gymnastics."
Then she injured her shoulder in an accident none of us can really understand or explain. All the rehab efforts over the past year have been geared toward getting her back into the gym.
Nothing seems to be working and the window of time where a gymnast can rehab and return is closing. We're now having conversations about her moving on. And in my flesh, these conversations make me want to cry late at night when no one else is looking. It hurts to see my girl hurting and questioning.
When we have "I don't know why" situations in life, we have to make the hard choice to settle our mind with what we do know. Otherwise, the I don't know why's will sweep us away into treacherous currents of doubt and disillusionment.
Spinning. Slipping. Sinking.
So, I grab hold of what I do know.
I do know God is a God of protection. God's love for my daughter is so consuming, He can only have her best interest in mind. It must be in her best interest to walk away from gymnastics.
I do know God is a God of provision. God's plans for my daughter are good even if they don't include this sport she loves. He will provide but probably not in the way we expect.
I do know God is a God of process. God's process to develop Ashley's character to match her calling must include her having to learn to let go of something she treasures.
So that's where I park my mind, my emotions, and my trust.
It's not the tidiest parking spot on the lot. It doesn't make the loss sting less.
But it's a place I can wad up my run away emotions and hand them over to my perfectly capable and all wise God.
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