Hardly a week goes by that I don't have a broken woman come to my book table in tears over choices her husband has made. So many of the tragic stories I hear have deep roots that started with pornography.
And while I know there are also women who struggle with this issue, I want to focus on what can happen when a husband ventures into pornography.
It's one of those messy subjects that we Christians like to shy away from. I certainly don't want to write this post and suddenly have thousands of you become suspicious with your husband. But, I also don't think it's wise for us to stick our heads in the sand about it either.
Pornography is a reality of the broken world we live in.
Sadly, it's also a reality in the church.
A few years ago, I had the privilege to meet Clay Crosse, the super talented Christian musician and his beautiful wife, Renee while I was speaking at a conference. I thought they were at the conference to lead praise and worship.
But they weren't there to share their music. They were there to share their story. Their testimony about pornography.
Here's a little of Clay's story:
Hurtful words…..but necessary words
Imagine your husband saying this to you…."Honey, I have been looking at pornography, but I want to stop and I’m asking you to forgive me."
Despite the humble, contrite, and repentant nature of his words, it would still sting to hear such a confession.In 1998 I said those very words to my wife, Renee. It was something that I just had to tell her because I knew that it was a situation that was only getting worse and I wanted it to end.
I didn't want my marriage to end, mind you. I just wanted to prevent further harm to me. To us.
Though it might sound like a terrible day, (and granted it was very, very tough) it was actually a new beginning in our marriage that we now look back on with thanksgiving because of how God has blessed us since.
You may be reading this and just wishing your husband would come clean about his habit. Or perhaps your husband has indeed come to you in the past with such a confession. Or maybe you’re thinking that your husband would never utter such a thing.Either way, the statistics support that more wives than not have a husband who struggles to one degree of another with pornography.
This is a hurtful realization for a wife. And the hurt doesn't stop with her. The damage flows to all areas of a man’s life. To his character, self-esteem, and dignity. To his kids, who now have a very distracted and self centered dad. To his career because of a lack of focus and thought life at work.
And yes, his struggle hits his wife directly on a deeply personal level.
What to do?
Many women feel helpless in this fight, thinking there's nothing they can do. They are wounded and feel like their husband is completely unaware, or just doesn't care, how this makes them feel.I want to encourage you, as someone who has lived this story, to know that you have hope. God cares about this and wants to see you and your husband healed and healthy.
You might be asking, "So what can I do to begin the healing process?"
Well I must tell you… a lot of this falls on your husband and his willingness to begin the process with you. If he’s closed to the idea, then it’s not going to happen. So again you may be asking..."Then what can
I do about it? I don't want to nag, but what am I supposed to do?"
Pray!
Begin by earnestly praying for your husband. Yes pray. And don’t think, "Is that ALL I can do?" It’s effective and powerful. I know this because my wife, Renee, became a prayer warrior during our crisis and God definitely heard and acted.He will hear you as well.
Begin by praying for these items specifically:
1.) Your husband’s heart to soften and for him to see that this it is a real problem in his life. Like I mentioned, if he’s hard hearted, prideful, denying, and resistant, then nothing will change. But if his heart begins to soften regarding this situation, real change can come.
2.) The right voice to speak into his life. I’m talking about another man to have real talks with him about this and other issues that men face. An accountability partner perhaps. Or a mentor. A friend, in the truest sense.
Note: I’m not suggesting that this voice be yours. God will use you in equally powerful ways, just not this way. He needs a new voice. A peer.
3.) For God to take this problem from your hands. Understand, you should not carry this burden and God wants you to release it to Him. "Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7
NKJV)
Take a good look at that word "casting." It means to literally throw or fling something. To shed or discard. To release. Don’t you want to release this once and for all? God wants to take it from you because He cares.
Thank you Clay. I've asked Clay to be a guest on my blog today not just to share his story but to also participate in some dialog on this subject.
So, if you have questions you'd like to ask, please do so. And since this is such a touchy subject, please feel free to post your questions anonymously.
Clay will be checking in several times to today, to be a voice of truth and hope on this subject, so if you've ever wanted to ask a godly man's perspective on this issue, now's your chance. Post your questions by clicking on the word, comments below.
And be sure to join in tomorrow as Clay's wife, Renee, will be with us sharing her side of the story and answering questions as well.
Clay Crosse is a three-time Dove Award winner including the 1994 New Artist of the year.-He has had 9 #1 songs including “I Surrender All,” “He Walked a Mile,”“I Will Follow Christ,” and "Saving The World."
Clay and his wife Renee have been married since 1990 and are blessed with four children.
Clay and Renee, through their ministry HolyHomes, speak at various seminars and conferences nationwide along with his extensive concert schedule.
Holy Homes Ministries challenges Christian homes to be less like the world and more like Christ. This dynamic ministry was founded by Clay and Renee Crosse after they went through a life changing recommitment to Christ in 1998. ------ for more info, visit holyhomes.org
47 Comments:
What effect the church would have if we could only learn to judge and faultfind less and instead, offer Grace. But only when we are at the lowest of lows ourselves will we honestly KNOW and feel the need to embrace His forgiveness and ONLY THEN can we then give His Grace to those around us. Then the masks in the church will fall off and folk will flock to the places they find freedom to grow and learn about One who knows about them and yet still loves us unconditionally.
My husband made a similar confession a few years ago. He and some guys from church got together weekly for an accountability and prayer meeting for almost two years. Work schedules have changed and they've stopped meeting. I think he is still staying away from it, but I'm not sure. Now that the peer accountability is gone, I'm not sure how to support him in this. I tend to not want to talk about it. Should I revisit the issue or stay quiet and pray? Maybe I'm just afraid what the answer might be.
I also have an off topic question for Clay. One of my heart's desires has been to have a consistent prayer time with my husband. He is a godly man and prays with other guys, but he has always resisted praying with me. I want this to be a part of our relationship so much, but he doesn't. Is this a guy thing? Any insight on this? I stopped asking for it a long time ago and now just hope for it and pray for it. I just thought I'd get a guy's insight on this.
Sorry this is such a long comment. I'm really thankful you've brought this up, Lysa. It's so hard to talk about.
Clay, Dr Dobson has stated the addiction to pornography is stronger than the addiction to cocaine. So how can I believe my husband when he says he hasn't been involved in pornography since being found out 10 years ago, just 2 years into our marriage? It had been a part of the majority of his life, ever since being exposed to Playboy at the neighbors house as a young child. He was going so far as to rent pornographic movies from the video store behind my back.
To this day he does not like it when I bring up the subject, and it has tainted our marriage for the past 10 years (more than he would realize), b/c bottom line I have a hard time trusting him.
Any suggestions? I would love to seek counsel with him, but know he would not be interested. The doubt has festered for an entire decade, and I would love resolution.
I will certainly be praying for a softened heart for him.
Thank you for your transparency and testimony to the power of the One True God! I would love some evidence of that wonder-working-power in this situation in my life.
Hello Lysa and Clay,
Thank you so much for this topic. Since the birth of our last daughter who will be one next month, my husband has chosen partial celibacy, over intimacy with me. He says he's worried about us getting pregnant again as our last two were so close, BUT I also know he looks at pornography and meets his own needs. I am ashamed and so very broken by this. I question my value as a woman and I miss my husband. I do pray over him DAILY, but I don't know if there is even anything else I could be doing.
Thank you for you time and listening. I know there are many other Christians who will benefit from you bravely sharing your story.
I am SO GLAD you are bringing this topic into the light! It is such a private sin, and is not often addressed. This is an addiction that my husband has also been set free from, and my question to Clay is this: How can my husband, and the local church reach out to men who are struggling with this? You can't have a Wed night class- Who will want to be seen going in THAT door? What can be done, as the body of Christ, to bring this sin further into the light and support those that are struggling??
Also, FYI for others to know, there is a website, settingcaptivesfree.com that was instrumental in my husband overcoming this addiction. DAILY Bible Study and on-line accountability. Even better-- they have a course for the spouses of those addicted to pornography, and that course changed ME and our marriage for the better. I just wanted to make others aware of this wonderful resource.
PRAY FOR ME AS I AM SUSPICIOUS FOR MY HUSBANDS INVOLVEMENT WITH PRONOGRAPHY. I KNOW FOR SURE THAT 10 YEARS AGO, HE CONFESSED THAT HE LOOKED AT INAPPROPRIATE MATERIAL ON-LINE. I FELT HE WAS BECAUSE WHEN I ENTERED THE ROOM, HE QUICKLY CHANGED SCREENS.
NOW HE IS UP LATE AT NIGHT, AFTER I HAVE GONE TO BED AND I CAN HERE THE MOUSE MOVING ON THE COUNTER FOR HOURS. HE IS ALSO UP AND DOWN ALL NIGHT. SHOULD I JUST ASK HIM. THE SUSPICION IS DRIVING A WEDGE IN OUR INTIMACY.
I caught my husband in the act of looking at internet porn almost 4 years ago. He'd been doing it for years and erasing all computer traces so I could not find it. Ever since then I have not been able to trust him. He says he quit cold turkey but I just have such a hard time recovering from the dis trust. Lying, covering up.... I also feel horrible about myself since then. Why was I not enough? He is extremely committed to staying married but he has no real desire to have sex with me either. During his porn time I had to bug him to have sex with me and still do. He could go months and yet he would look at porn almost every day. If he's not having sex with me and he's not looking at porn what would he even be doing? I know he is not having an affair. Trust me on that one. He would have to be the master at that lie and he has too much of a conscience to keep that up. I can't feel confident to even let him see me naked since then. He must not like what he sees if he needed to seek it elsewhere in my opinion. I caught him with Playboy's 9 years ago right after I had our third baby. He said it was because I was pregant and he didn't want to hurt the baby having sex so he bought them. One of the issues had a wrestler lady that he knew I couldn't stand & the fact that he went out and bought that magazine specificaly to look at a specific woman was almost like a slap in the face as he knew it was someone I did not like, it felt almost like an affair to me. He swore he would not look at porn again & yet I cought him in a lie of looking at it for years. He swears now he has learned his lesson. How does a wife know she can trust again & that it is not another lie? I would love to be able to relax again. I would also love to know just what the heck is wrong with men. Us women get married & only look at our husband's naked male bodies & we are falling over dying. I have seen only one weiner for 12 years now & I'm good. Why can't men just be satisfied with only seeing their wives bodies naked? I really don't get it.
Oops, I meant to say we AREN'T falling over dying.
Bless you folks for this! My prayers will be with this endeavor, that truth will prevail and the darkness be banished in many lives and homes!
Don't most men need SOME type of counsel to help them overcome the addiction?
After being questioned for days and days my husband FINALLY admitted to me early on in our marriage that he had been looking at pornographic material online. It would have been SOOO much easier on me if he would have come to ME with the problem. Instead, I had to approach him about it. I knew something wasn't right - as a newlywed I was practically having to beg him to have sex with me. He stopped cold turkey - with no help - no accountability - no books, no counsel. This makes me doubt his "healing". He is very open about talking about it - I just still have so many issues with it.
It has haunted me for years.
What are the signs and behaviors that might be manifested from an individual addicted to pornography? What is the best way to confront someone that you suspect has this addiction?
If Dad thinks it is ok and allows the sons to have it, how do you stop it? Every time I find it I break the DVD, shred, delete or destroy. But they just keep getting more. It is almost become a game. We are divorced and when one parent won't support the other it is tough. My kids are 15, 17 and active in youth.
Thank you to Clay and Renee! My husband has been there and and it's taken a toll on our marriage as well. My husband has been released and redeemed after much prayer. Healing is definitely a process and has affected our lives in so many ways. Thank you for writing the book! Unfortunately, this behavior is actually praised in the secular world and has devestating consequences. Fortunately, God can take the yuck that Satan tempts us with and bring glory.
Clay,
My husband had a breif bit of porn in his high school days before Internet and before he was a believer. He has not looked at it in over 20 years, has an accountability partner, a filter and accountability program on our computer (his friend gets a report of every site our computer visits) and he guards himself constantly--he won't even walk down a magazine aisle at the grocery store for fear of the covers. He is a gem.
Here is my question. I struggle with whether being creative and slightly wild (for lack of a better description) in the bedroom makes him less or more likely to want to look at porn again someday. I have asked many women this, but never a man. The women say the more innovative and 'sexy' (strip for him, fun stuff like that...) the more he'll want porn. I'd wager my husband says the opposite. What do you think?
God bless you and your family and ministry...
I just wanted to thank you all; Lysa, Clay & Renee for being open about this subject. Satan would love nothing more than keeping it "in the dark." I am praying that many lives will be touched; that this next day or two would be a rock in the water with beneficial ripples to cleanse marriages.
Blessings and peace to you!
Thank you for letting us be anonymous today Lysa!
Clay, my son was and most probably still IS involved in this addiction. I found out about it several years ago after he visited us while home from college. There were bad things on my computer. Made me so mad. I confronted him. He apologized. But thought i was making a big deal out of it. Later he got married. A few years into the marriage his wife came to me really upset and ready to leave him because he was still heavily into porn. Of course that really upset me also! But he thinks we are making a mountain out of a molehill. I bought one of your books and gave to them. Our DIL read it but son pooh-poohed it away as being silly. He goes to church regularly. Lately things seem smooth in their marriage. But I'm not relieved yet because I think he is still hiding it. What can I do? Just pray???
Thanks so much for any advice you can give me!
This is hitting home now. This is a battle I am dealing with now. I have never felt such pain in my heart and it is truly taking a toll on me. How many times can I get knocked down before I just can't get back up?
I look forward to hearing Renee's words tomorrow
My husband and I were talking about our son the other day. It will be a long time before he is a teenager, but we were talking about how hard it will be for him to stay pure until marriage and how we can help. My husband said he would encourage using porn if he needed to do it to make it because that was less harmful to a marriage then memories of past sex partners. This conversation has bothered me so much and I disagree so much. What do you think? Do you have any advice on how to convince my husband that this is not the right approach before it is too late and he passes on this attitude to our son?
I did want to mention that our church does have a class for this. It is called Every Man's Battle and they have another one for women who's husbands are struggling with this. I'm so thankful they are open to helping people like this and that you are also. Just reading all of these comments shows how common of a problem this has become.
Thank you!
I will be lifting everyone who struggles with this in prayer today!
Thank you for bringing up this very difficult topic. My sister is in the middle of a divorce because of the effects of her husband's porn addiction. There are so many things from his past that were not mentioned until after they were married with children. Her husband is extremely hard-hearted and does not want to take any personal responsiblity regarding their relationship. He twists scripture and gets upset because my sister will not "submit". Please tell me how to deal with this man.
Thanks for all the kind comments and encouragement. And for all the questions from "anonymous" it will be hard to specify each of you but I'll try to answer a few throughout the day.
The sheer number of comments here should tell each of you something...you are not alone.
Continue to pray for him and ask God to open doors for communication and growth.
To the wife whose husband allows his sons to see porn: That's messed up. It's insane actually. He may as well put arsenic in their Froot Loops.
I'd love to talk to that idio...guy.
This is such a difficult subject. I will be praying for all of the commenters!
One of the ways that I have seen this broken is in the church. We have a very transparent pastor that has talked openly about how he struggled with this in the past, how he used accountability partners, would block all tv sites while traveling, etc. It helps to have someone of 'authority' talking about how to resist these things because other men will know that they are not the only ones dealing with this kind of attack.
I discovered my husband's porn addiction almost 3 years ago, just after learning I was pregnant with our second baby. My heart was wounded beyond what I can describe. Since then, we have moved to a new state where he has been meeting with our pastor and has some friends who serve as accountability partners too. He has taken many actions, including not using the computer while alone for a season. I believe that he is no longer looking at pornography, But, I am still really struggling with trust and with how I feel about myself when I am with him. I never want him to see me naked and I don't feel beautiful when I am with him anymore.
He doesn't understand how much his addiction has affected me. I need for him to pray for me and with me and I need for him to listen to me when I need to talk to him about it. When I try to talk to him about the fact that I need some healing too, he just says that it is because I haven't forgiven him and just want to "hold it over his head forever."
My question is, how can I begin to restablish trust in him if he is unwilling to face the truth of how his addiction has affected me? My lack of trust in him is a consequence of what he did, not a choice I have made to be spiteful. I want to move forward and rebuild trust in our marriage, but I need for him to understand how it has affected me. Am I wrong to feel that way? If so, what should be my next step?
Thank you for this Lysa! I've been praying for a place to ask these questions.
jill_harriott@yahoo.com
To the wives struggling to ever have trust again: First and foremost...you must COMPLETELY trust God, not your husband. God is 100% trustworthy and reliable. Your husband is not.
Pretty encouraging huh??
Listen...it's just that alot of women have it backwards. They strive to have complete faith and trust and put their whole life into their spouse. (and alot put their WHOLE being into their kids, just as wrong) And you know what...they just can't measure up. He's a fallen man. A man with issues. But hear me...he needs you to pray for and walk with him through his challenges. Even ones that make you want to shoot him in the back while he sleeps, (see: preacher's wife Mary Winkler). Those vows we all took about "better of worse" "Sickness and health" Well....this qualifies as "worse" and he's certainly got a real "sickness" with this issue.
I pray for you with this. And I pray for your husband. This is tough tough stuff here, no doubt. I don't mean to discourage with this blog post, I aim to ENCOURAGE. I know you want to trust your husband and my goodness, shouldn't you be given that? Yes. Trust is a core of a solid marriage. God wants this for you. It's attainable but it must start by seeking HIM earnestly. God. You first perhaps, (get comfortable with that). Then, God willing, your husband too.
I caught my husband and he confessed and said he had tried to quite and was grateful that i had caught him. He promised to not be on the computer at home alone and he would stop cold turkey. I have seen that most women have said that when their husbands were involved in it their husbands were not interested in sex. It was a very busy time in our lives and I don't remember being aware of his lack of interest. Now it seems that sex with me is all he thinks about. My question is, can that also be a sign of him still being involved in pornograghy?
At what age should we talk to our sons about this and in which way should we do it? My oldest son is now 11 and starting to want to use the computer more. We have really limited his computer use and he always has to use it out in a common area, not enclosed by himself. I think he is pretty naive(he's a young 11)at this point and I'm afraid of putting ideas into his head if I talk to him about it. How do I explain it without drawing his interest to it. When his class was doing some research at school in the library one of the boys came across something(google's filter for the school failed)and showed it to my son. The school informed us about it but my son was too embarrassed to tell me what he saw. He just said it made him sick to his stomach and grossed him out.
One more thing(I'm the anonymous with the 11 y/o son), two of the nephews from two different families were caught by there moms looking at porn online. These are good christian boys from good christian families. Both boys were about 14-15 at the time. I know this is something my sons will come across. I am not naive about that. I just want to know how do we talk about it with them in such a way to get across the importance of them staying away from it?
That should say two of my nephews!
Clay,
Thank you for your ministry. I, too, have a question.
My husband confessed to viewing on-line porn about 10 years ago. During that conversation, I asked him if he ever cheated on me (I had a suspicion), at which point he admitted to having a physical relationship (not sex, he says) with a coworker 5 years prior. We had since moved to a different state, so he promised all ties were cut and he had not cheated since.
He was very repentant and willing to do whatever it took to make it right.
I didn't know what to do. I was embarassed and felt the need to protect his reputation. He holds a prominent position in his job and is also well-repspected at church.
Two years later I found porn that had printed from our comupter sitting in the in-tray. He had no idea it printed. When I confronted him, he admitted to doing it again.
After that I put filters on all the computers and on the TV and did not tell him the passwords. But a few years ago I realized that it wasn't really "helping" him if if just made it impossible for him to do it at home. I was tired of carrying the weight of it.
It has been 5 years since I gave him all the passwords, and I occaisionally ask him if he's viewing porn...to which he always says "no."
And that's where we leave it.
What do I do now? Am I handling this the right way? I'm tired of feeling like I have to monitor his behavior. I have enough trouble keeping myself pure. How can I be expected to keep my husband pure too?
Any insight would be appreciated.
God bless you.
To the anonymous whose husband accidentally printed porn. Filters and passwords and the like are good. But it all must begin for him deep inside. Real repentance. A desire to do a 180. To completely turn and walk away from any hint of what is poisoning him and his family.
To the anonymous who asked how old a boy should be before you have the talk.
Well I suggest to not have "the" talk but to begin "ongoing" talks. Just be real with them. (and it's better coming from Dad or an authority male figure in a boy's life)
When? Age 10. Yep 10. I wish we lived in a time when age 10 was relegated to baseball, hunting frog, and pinewood derby. But it's passed that I'm afraid. They live in the same sex saturated world we do. They get countless cleavage flashes from half dressed women everywhere. They go to the same mall you do and walk past Victorias Secret and Abercrombie. They watch the same network TV you do. and HBO. And MTV. And porn is everywhere. And the foul talk they hear at school. I'm not trying to discourage, just trying to tell ya...it's on.
So yes, we must join in and give our take to our kids at an earlier age than most think.
You know what? I am just tired that women don't take a stand on porn or how our bodies are viewed. Why should we have to put up with our husbands delivering up themselves all the eye candy they want? Why don't more women teach their young daughters to be more modest? Why isn't there more of an outcry instead of us just putting up with lies and sneaking around trying to catch them. It took me months of knowing he was doing it before I finally caught him in a lie. Trust is completely gone in the marriage. Our marriage counselor said it was his cave man instinct to look at naked women. I should let him. So okay, he was fired. ??? Why can guys not control themselves? What is a woman to do?
to the anonymous who fired your "counselor" yeah, that firing was warranted. My wife, Renee shares the same attitude you do about modesty and dress for women. It's has regressed so much that many Christian women have unknowingly lowered their standards.
She has a forthcoming book titled "Girls Gone Holy" all about this topic.
Praise the LORD, all these wives coming forth to ask for help. I am blessed that my husband does not partake in porn- I know because we discuss it. I asked him a few years ago to be honest and open about what would draw him to it, and he gave me his honest answers. We have friends that have battled it, so we try to keep it an ongoing topic to revisit. Darkness is Satan's way of making it "okay". Thanks Clay for the advice about boys, I have 2 boys and a daughter. I pray daily the "world" doesn't taint them. I pray for my daughter to have value in herself and God's love for her. Thank you Lysa for this very important topic!
I seem to be in a unique situation here - my husband has struggled with viewing porn and I myself have also. And they tie together. See, when I was bored here at home all day with 1 then 2 then 3 young kids all taking naps (now we have 4) I'd get online. It started as me being curious what I could view...how much was out there. It progressed to the point of everyday getting on certain sites. I confessed it to my husband and he was quick to forgive. We put a filter on the computer but I found ways around it. I would say I was going to quit and be successful for a time. I even went through the Setting Captives Free study but always went back. Finally, Sept. 14, 2007 (coincidentally 5 years almost to the day that I'd confessed to my husband) at a church retreat I was convicted of how weighty this sin was and I fell on my knees sobbing before my Lord. From that time on I felt the chains were lifted, but I still carried them. They were lighter but not totally gone. This past year at the same retreat I gave it all to God. I told him I could NOT do this on my own. I'm not strong enough. I'm too weak. I needed HIS power. From that day on I have been totally free - not from temptation but from the bondage that pornography and self gratification brings. How does this tie in with my husband? Well, because I was pleasuring myself I didn't need to have sex with him. Plus, when I'm pregnant my libido goes down. So, he was getting online (while I was working or after I went to bed) and viewing pornography. I didn't suspect - just thought he was being understanding of my "delicate condition". He confessed to me on a marriage retreat when I was pregnant with #3 and since then he's been free. PRAISE THE LORD for His grace, His mercy, and the salvation He brings!
As the Chris Tomlin song goes, "My chains are gone. I've been set free! My God my Saviour has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy reigns. Unending love. Amazing grace!!"
Lysa, I want to thank you and Clay for being so open about this topic. Awareness is KEY here.
My husband struggled with porn for the first part of our marriage, and we've only been married 2 years. He is a 18-20 Something's Pastor at our church and an incredible, Godly man, but he still struggled with this.
So many Christian leaders and most churches don't want to talk about such a 'dirty' thing, but the more we talk, the more we heal.
My husband confessed to me the third time and I realized I was going to have to take more of a roll in helping him then just saying it is his problem. (We immediately ordered Clay's book) One thing I realized, was that this is an attack from the enemy on our marriage. When I fully understood that, it allowed me to stand beside him and link arms to fight, instead of standing in the corner waiting on him to overcome it on his own, which may never have happened if he didn't have the support he needed. Since then, he has not had any more relapses, and is now speaking at our church's men's meetings about the issue. Half the group of men stood up and said they needed prayer. It IS an issue, so we need to talk about it. The men are starting a support group.
Thank ya'll for being open!
Another incredible recourse is xxxchurch.com. There is a ton to help both the husband and the wife through this process.
Clay,
I am the one who's husband condones her 3 son's porn activities. He says that is it "what every man needs to do". "It is unhealthy for them not to have a release". Clay, this man is a Christian,a Police Officer (who has arrested people for possessing this stuff, preditors etc) yet is spoon feeding it his flesh and blood. I don't know how to fight it, except drop to my knees before God and pray! I have even found porn on their cell phone micro sd cards. One of them ran up a 1500.00 cell phone bill by down loading porn ever night. He paid it and no longer has a phone.
What else can I do?
My email is:
brokenboundries@hotmail.com
God Bless you and your wife for addressing this subject.
One evening before going to our Fireproof Bible Study my husband sat down beside me and said "I have to tell you something". He had been looking at porn for a year and a half. I had no idea. Needless to say I was very upset. He has asked me to hold him accountable from here on out. At first I thought it was unfair to ask me to be the one. I have been doing it though. Every week or so I ask him straight out or I will even send an email to him during the day. So far he is doing okay. I have been praying for him during this time too.
We are both Christians and active in our church. It's sad it's as much of a problem in the church as out.
As a mom of 3 teen boys...the talks must start at/before 11. My (now 15 year old son) came to us right before 8th grade sobbing. He admitted that he had viewed porn right when I was in the house...multiple times. We had paid huge amounts of money for blockers, security measures etc and I was naive to think that if I logged him in, and had the computer in a place that I could see it, we were OK. I knew something was just a bit off but had NO IDEA the shock we would have. Praise the Lord that he came to us. We would never have begun to go there with our thoughts until years later. The damage was already done, but he started meeting every morning with my husband. We have very open discussions weekly about porn, purity, and God's best in marriage, so it's out in the open now. We are strong believers...I homeschool my kids...am there all the time, but never knew this was a possibility. You can only imagine the heartbreak knowing the wedge that Satan had done. I am fine with sharing more of my story/name, but did not ask permission of my son, so am staying anonym. It's NEVER too early in this culture.
Sweet Sisters-
I know this is a heavy subject but as you can see from the heart ache woven throughout the comments, it is unfortunately necessary.
Clay, I so appreciate you sharing your heart, insights and advice today. What a gift to us to have a man so openly answering our questions. Thank you!
One thing I feel I must share is don't get paralyzed by this issue. Yes, pornography is big but we serve a much bigger God who is ABLE to help anyone rise above this pit. Keep praying sisters! Keep praying.
Ask God to make you wiser than you've ever been. Ask Him to show you any open doors of help you are supposed to walk through. Ask Him daily to help you see that Satan is the enemy here- not your husband.
Don't be a woman of accusation, be a woman of prayer who is not afraid to do battle on behalf of her husband- her sons- and herself in the spiritual realm. It's time to fight sisters! Fight for those you love so dearly.
And fight against the bitterness and hopelessness than can so easily go hand in hand with this messy issue.
I love you sisters. That's why I think these posts are crucial to address. And please know I am praying for each of you.
Don't forget to join Clay's wife, Renee tomorrow. Her perspectives are sure to be treasures to us all.
My husband and I have delt with this issue twice. Both times right after the baby was born. He came clean and I forgave him. The first time it was very painful but not too hard to forgive him, but the second time it was so hard to move on because I feared that he would do it again. The enemy used this in a huge way to hinder me. Never fear that your husband will do this again, if he says he won't, you have to trust that he won't and that he loves you. That was a huge blessing to let go of that fear and move on in our relationship. You can't doubt or fear! God gave you your specific husband for a reason, you most likely compliment each other perfectly in personality and spiritual gifts and you can heal back to 110% and grow stronger because of what happened. We did!
On Easter sunday, our pastor wanted to show how powerful and moving it is to have a Saviour that died and rose again for our sins-- He asked about 40 or so people from our church to display their sins on a sign-- and then on the other side of the sign was what happened after they surrendered their sin--- I knew my brother in law was a leader in a small group-- but seeing his sign saying that he was addicted to porn... that shook me to tears-- My brother in law is now leading others out of this darkness of porn.
I'll be saying prayers for all the commenters this evening.
Many thanks to Lysa for taking ythis brave step in posting this. I think we do often tend to forget that it is a problem in the Body as well, but that's because no one talks about it. Then, when it is talked about, it's talked "around". We may mention it, but we don't DISCUSS it.
Clay, thanks to you as well for so bravely allowing yourself to be exposed in this way. Hopefully many will be edified. You really are doing an awesome thing. Thank you!
Now personally, I have had to just "forget" about it. I am not in control. My hope, first of all, was in my husband. "He can't stop," is what I would tell myself. I was right, he couldn't stop, but God will make him stop. It's God's job to do it, not mine.
My beating him up and constantly "babysitting" him was very exhausting. I do not remember when I actually realized that I was trying to do a job that I am not qualified for, but that was the best thing ever for me to see!!!
Okay, I'm going to stop rambling, but thank you, thank you, thank you!
smooches,
Larie
My husband also did this. I was sooo hurt when I first found out. I was a very attractive woman who got attention from men on a continual basis. My pride made me feel safe in this area so was I stunned to see that my "beauty" wasn't strong enough to hold a marriage together. You see, only God can hold a marriage together. And if He is holding it then no storm can destroy it. My husband was genuinely sorry for the pain he caused but he cycled in and out of it for the next decade. He was honest w/ me about his failures and I LEARNED to help him through this intense battle. God did have to teach me to trust Him more than I was trusting my husband. Any time I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and thought about wanting out of my marriage I realized that if I would humble myself instead, the temptation to flee would subside. And by humble myself I don't mean to just put up with it. I simply mean to be willing to continue to battle against it.
We're not in heaven yet. In this life there are battles and I have seen women leave their husbands, the very father of their chidlren, just to marry someone else who is just the same - a man who isn't perfect. We all need Jesus b/c satan is more vicious than we credit him.
I am so thankful for our marriage. I am sooo thankful that the Lord didn't let me bail. Staying made room for healing. Our love is now so strong and my husband knows he can come to me when he is weak or even if he has failed. Instead of beating him down like I use to, I have learned to fight beside him. But the true victory is knowing that God fights for marriages.
The Lord is a warrior. The Lord is His Name.
I do my best here to give my take and offer advice to you gals. But ya gotta know, my heart is to share with YOUR HUSBANDS! If I knew they were reading thsi I'd be typing my fingers off. (kinda like Renee has been today, see her posts on Wednesday's blog)
I don't want to beat the guys up. Not at all. I just feel called to communicate to them about better seeing and carrying out their role as a Godly husband and dad. You see, we guys tend to just phone it all in after a few years. Leaving alot of the higher, spiritual work to the wife, or the church. I just try to tell them to step it up and get in that game too. Because their position in those arenas is much more important than most guys realize.
But again, thank you Lysa for allowing me to (try) to speak to the gals here. I know you have hurts. I know you have a strong desire to have a husband who is invested deeply in you and his family. I pray for you as I type. much love......much hope
Well I've been reading everyone's comments and I have to say, I too am a wife that has delt with this in marriage. It was something I suspected early on in my marraige and after some investigating of my own, I found that my husband did struggle with porn. I was angry, hurt, unable to trust....absolutely heart broken!
My husband first said that he would stop because it hurt me but he wouldn't admit that it was wrong or a sin. After much struggling, he finally did admit that it is a sin.
We went to couseling because I during this whole process, I did consider leaving the marriage. Our counselor was a wonderful Christian man that showed us this manifestation of porn addiction had other underlying causes. I was greatly concerned about my ability to trust again and one thing I wanted to share was what my counselor said to me. He said to examine myself and see if I wanted to trust my husband. He suspected that I wanted to trust my husband more than distrust him. I am learning that trust is often a choice. I'm not saying a pie in the sky attitude that the temptation is not there. But what I am saying for all of you that have husbands honestly trying to do the right thing and you are still burdened by a lack of trust in your marriage, try to trust. Place your trust in God and don't live every moment obsessed about "is he or isn't he," how can I stop this" etc.
I have come to the conclusion that this is not an issue with me, how pretty I am or how fulfilling am am or am not. Look at Christie Brinkley. No, for all you out there thinking you are not enough, please know that this really is, as Clay has stated, an issue of the heart. It is a problem within your spouse that only God can heal. I will pray for all of you as I know first hand how hurtful this can be. God Bless you all!
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