On the one hand this weekend was great. I mailed my Christmas cards without the drama of years past.
Some of you may recall that last year I mailed about 20 cards without the address label telling the kind folks at the post office to whom they were supposed to be delivered to.
That's just smart at its finest y'all.
I'm guessing there is a whole group of our family and friends that never received a card from us last year, but I have no clue who was in this group.
So, while I was busy double and triple checking that each card I sent this year had both the stamp and the address label on it, my husband was busy keeping the attack SQUIRRELS at bay.
At one point I stepped into the tub at the precise moment a gun shot rang out and I thought I'd cracked the tub. Which with all my sugar indulgences lately, could have been highly probable.
Would somebody please come up with a remedy to help a girl crave a celery stick over a cookie?
I mean for heaven's sake- we can send people flying to the moon in a metal capsule, surely we can come up with something to tame the taste buds right?
Speaking of taming things, I was also working this weekend on some of my edits for my book. I have a chapter dedicated to making the choice not to gossip or judge others.
I feel this is a crucial chapter. But one of the reviews said this chapter fell a little flat. They felt like I am simply saying, "don't do it" rather than getting behind the scenes of a woman's life and exploring some of the heart issues causing women to gossip and judge.
So, I'm coming to you today asking for your insights.
Why do women gossip about and judge other women? What are some of those heart issues? Have you struggled with this and found anything that has helped you?
I'd love to hear a thought or two that you might have on this subject.
Or the subject of the celery stick craving thing.
Happy Monday...
Some of you may recall that last year I mailed about 20 cards without the address label telling the kind folks at the post office to whom they were supposed to be delivered to.
That's just smart at its finest y'all.
I'm guessing there is a whole group of our family and friends that never received a card from us last year, but I have no clue who was in this group.
So, while I was busy double and triple checking that each card I sent this year had both the stamp and the address label on it, my husband was busy keeping the attack SQUIRRELS at bay.
At one point I stepped into the tub at the precise moment a gun shot rang out and I thought I'd cracked the tub. Which with all my sugar indulgences lately, could have been highly probable.
Would somebody please come up with a remedy to help a girl crave a celery stick over a cookie?
I mean for heaven's sake- we can send people flying to the moon in a metal capsule, surely we can come up with something to tame the taste buds right?
Speaking of taming things, I was also working this weekend on some of my edits for my book. I have a chapter dedicated to making the choice not to gossip or judge others.
I feel this is a crucial chapter. But one of the reviews said this chapter fell a little flat. They felt like I am simply saying, "don't do it" rather than getting behind the scenes of a woman's life and exploring some of the heart issues causing women to gossip and judge.
So, I'm coming to you today asking for your insights.
Why do women gossip about and judge other women? What are some of those heart issues? Have you struggled with this and found anything that has helped you?
I'd love to hear a thought or two that you might have on this subject.
Or the subject of the celery stick craving thing.
Happy Monday...
77 Comments:
The cookies are winning out over the celery sticks here, too! Thankfully, this season of abundant carbs shall pass!
Wow...God has been growing me in this area. He has been growing me in grace. His grace.
I think when our hearts are truly secure in our relationship with Him and His love for us, we don't gossip or judge so much. When we spend time with Him daily, nurturing our relationship with Him, soaking in His Truth through His Word, He ministers that love, grace, peace and security to our hearts.
When our hearts are postured in humility, reverence, fear and love for Him, we want to honor Him with our words and lives. We don't want to dishonor Him by being a gossip or judging someone. And I don't want to bash one of His sons or daughters by my harsh words.
Sometimes not being a gossip or judgmental is a beautiful overflow of the Spirit in us. Sometimes it is a choice to obey and honor Him, even when our flesh doesn't want to.
I know when I refuse to gossip or pass judgment, my heart and conscience are clear before the Lord, which is such a peaceful, trusting place to be. To His glory.
Jeremiah 15:19 "If you utter worthy, not worthless, words, you will be My spokesperson."
Lysa, thanks for this! I can't wait to read this new book! And, as He would have it, the Lord had you and your book on my heart this past weekend in prayer! :)
Now, time to go search for some carrot sticks! I think they are hiding under the Coconut Balls.
good morning dear!
Hope all is well and glad your tub is intact.
I have no insight to add but after living life and being in a zillion situations--having $$ not having $$, feeling shy, feeling outgoing, liking where we live, not liking where we live, I've come to be a lot more sensitive to others and trying to remember that I have no idea what people are really going through, what kind of day they had and what they struggle with.
Feeling judged can be a great remedy for a judgemental person.
Blab, babbery, bla bla. See, even when I have nothing to say I have to blurt out something.
Merry Christmas!
Lisa,
There are a million reason that we women gossip and judge. Sometimes it is just because everyone else is. Often it is a habit that we don't even realize and haven't yet examined. Sometimes it is to express hurt that someone has wronged us (still not the right way to handle it). Sometimes it is even out of frustration when we really do want something better for that person and he or she just don't seem to be choosing to get it together. But I suspect that the biggest reason is our own insecurity: we do it to make ourselves feel superior.
One thing that helps is choosing non-gossip friends with whom to spend your time. Asking them for help in this area can make a huge difference. Going to God in prayer and asking His help, of course. He has knocked it out of me many times. I wish I didn't have to say "many". Once should be enough.
I look forward to your book!
-Bitsy Cazel
bitsycazel@hotmail.com
Lysa,
Thanks for making me laugh imagining the squirrels and Art chasing them down with a gun. Hillarious!
As for gossip and judgment, one way I've managed to stay away from it (for the most part) is that I know how it feels being on the other end...and probably most of us do, but do we really put ourselves in the other person's shoes before we speak?
For me, it was mostly high school where I felt the ruinous effects of gossip and judgment being passed on me when "they" didn't know the whole story. Because of a group of catty girls in a small Christian school, I believed some terrible lies about myself for YEARS to come! Of course, the devil must have been thrilled for how those lies, I mean beliefs, held me down. And he didn't have to use devil worshippers to do it to me...these were Christian girls!
So one of my approaches when chatting with a group of girls is to do my best to lift up anyone who is being put down. There is always another side to the story. Maybe she did something wrong, but what might she be struggling with, or how is she hurting? It may be outright sin, but who am I to throw stones?
Another approach is to talk to God if someone has offended me,asking Him to help me forgive that person and forget it. Sometimes I talk to the person directly if needed. This way, I don't harbor ill feelings toward anyone (which might come pouring out at an inappropriate time!).
I must say, I have fallen into gossip at times, and I've noticed it's usually with the same group of girls. Instead of avoiding them altogether, I pray before I get together with them that I can be strong to not fall into gossip, and that I will encourage these girls in the same way. I've headed to the restroom once or twice to pray about it as well (because I don't always remember beforehand!).
I think gossip can come from pride and the desire to make ourselves look better, even to have something juicy to talk about with our friends. It can also come from being easily offended and holding onto those offenses. We're gonna talk about what's in our hearts. Sometimes you join in just to be part of the group. But I've always admired those girls who hold their tongues, and I guess I admire them even more if they speak up carefully on behalf of someone being put down.
I hope that helps a little! Best wishes as you finish your chapter!
Angela
angiep at nc dot rr dot com
oops. "don't" should be "doesn't"
Don't judge me!
-BItsy
The conflict between celery and cookies made the scripture verse that says, "No man can tame the tongue" take on an entirely new meaning. I've never thought of it before in reference to taming the tastebuds! HAHAHA!
Sorry about your continued squirrel issues. My Dad has no time for the squirrels that dig up his flowerbeds and have become a nuisance. He has a humane trap that allows him to capture the little critters and then he takes them for a drive far, far away!
As to the gossip issue, do you want to hear what a heard about that? :o) I think personal insecurity is often the root of gossip. We falsely believe that gossip about another will somehow elevate us. Thankfully, the Lord began His work in this area in me at a very early age. I think when you have been victim of it's poison, you learn much quicker to offer grace instead of gossip. Although the temptation still comes, often because the situation or person has hurt me and my sinful nature longs to take revenge, at these times I cry for God to keep my mouth closed and to change my heart for the one in question. I remind myself that we are ALL sinners and I am just as easily someone elses gossip topic. Just because an opportunity arises that could give way to gossip, does not mean that the opportunity is from God to share this 'prayer request'...because isn't that what we sometimes do? We justify our gossip, as if it can be justified.
I'll close by sharing what I read this morning in my devotional time: "No doubt the time will come when you will face a window of opportunity to get back at a person who has wronged you. The only way to get through a window God doesn't open is to break it yourself. This is one window sure to leave you injured. Don't do it. Let the Holy Spirit perform His restraining work. Someday you'll be glad you did."
Remembering that God is the Prince of peace and that His Word tells us that as much as possible we are to make every effort to live at peace with all men (Heb 12:14), I pray that this fruit of His Spirit will so grow in my life that the 'worm' of gossip will not destroy His fruit,
Joy
This is certainly a chapter I will be looking forward to reading, as I have been having to learn the hard way not to be so judgemental of others...i.e. reaping what I have sown! Yowch!(note: words that aren't real words are open to creative spelling...which just is a cover-up for I can't even spell real words very well!) :)
But seriously, I have been much quicker to reroute my thoughts lately because I truly have been seeing the fruition of yucky judgements I have passed on others growing in my own life. Things I have judged others for (say, ummmm, my mother for example. sigh), I find myself struggling in some of the same areas.
Instead of "be careful little eyes what you see," the theme song for me lately has been "be careful little brain what you think."
I wish I could say it was just an overflow of the love of God that is reforming me, but sadly, it has come to me having to face some consequences. Praying this chapter will save others from having to walk this same humbling road.
Love to you and your squirrely gang,
K
I'm so with you on needing a pill to help me crave celery sticks. Yes, this such a sugary season -- both because there's so much available and (if I'm honest) I'm often trying to soothe myself. And, sadly, the more I eat sweets, the more I want.
As far as the heart issues behind gossip and judging, I fall prey to those sins especially when I'm feeling inadequate myself. If I've had my quiet time with Christ and am filled up with his love (this works for the sugar cravings, too) I'm so much less likely to look at someone else in judgment (or if I do, I simply recognize my own sins). Blessings to you in your editing and as you spend time with your family this season and may you draw close to Him this season.
Hi Lysa,
I'm struggling with a new- found recipe I made called "Blizzard Mix" containing pretzels, peanuts,chex & quartered caramels mixed in melted white chocolate chips - too good. Maybe if I dipped some celery in the white chocolate that would help?! :)
As for gossip, well, it can be (for us girls) like staying away from Christmas cookies...it "just happens" sometimes. We're talking with someone and before we know it we've done it. But, it starts deeper - in the heart. If we're not judging in our hearts then our judgemental words won't come out of our mouth. "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks"... The Lord has really been dealing with me about judging others and even thinking negatively about others. Here's what He has been showing me, the psalmist said "let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in thy sight" so, I need to aim to please God even in my thoughts and not just in what I'm saying. If it's in my heart and thoughts it's only a matter of time before it flies out of my mouth.
In Matthew Jesus says not to judge, for we will be judged with the same judgement with which we judge others. I think the idea of reaping and sowing applies even in this area. But it's so hard - it takes some serious Holy Spirit help and self-control to keep our thoughts reigned in so that we don't judge others. And what's the deal with our prideful thinking that if I put someone else down I feel so much better about ME? If we could just get hold of the truth that we are so precious to God, our creator, and His other creations (other people) are precious to Him too...and we're not competing for anything. There is enough of His wonderful, rich love to go around.
Now, here's an area that I need help with pertaining to gossip. How do you wiggle out of a situation where the person your talking to starts talking about someone else. I hate being in this situation; I try to change the subject or even point out a good thing about the person being talked about to get the message across that I don't want to play the gossip game, but it can be so uncomfortable. Would love to hear your suggestions!
Thanks Lysa and have a wonderful Christmas!
Alesha Moreno
amoreno@carolina.rr.com
Funny that you write this, I've been thinking of this frequently.
A couple things come to mind.
The curse. The KNOWledge of good and evil. We women have such a desire to KNOW everything. We read magazines full of what we "should" know, watch talk shows, talk about other women and their lives. It is a curse to be sure.
Also, for me there is such a desire to know and be known and to be liked. That overwhelming desire sometimes clouds my judgement. Often I don't stand up when someone else is gossiping because I don't want to offend that person. How sad. It's easier to just go along with it.
Something I struggle with, as do many women I'm sure. It'll be a great chapter Lysa. Thanks!
Good morning Lysa and Merry Christmas.
I think we gossip and are judgemental because so often we are lazy.
There is an old Indian saying that goes: "In order to truly understand a person you must first walk a mile in their moccasins" and I think we just don't want to put forth that much effort.
In first Samuel 16 we are told, "Man looks on the outside, but God looks at the heart". We get too caught up with the outside. Our culture teaches us that the outside is what is important.
My daughter has always struggled with this. When she was in elementary school I can remember she would so easily make comments about peoples clothes or hair, etc. and I would ask her, "and who does Jesus love more?!"
Brandon Heath has a great song out right now about this, called "Give me your eyes". I pray we will all remember, especially at Christmas, that the people who are different from us and the ones we feel are not as good are the very ones Jesus came to save. They ARE the reason for the season.
Lysa,
Cookies, fudge and other yummy concoctions are winning out here, too. Ugh! But they are soooo good!
As women we are destined to gossip, but we should use it as an excuse to continue to do so. It's a fleshly struggle, but one we can overcome with the power of the Holy Spirit. I'll always struggle with the desire to gossip, but I don't have to let it rule over me. I think we gossip because it gives us a false sense of power ("guess what I heard...") and yes, even a catalyst for commaraderie with other women (i.e., it gives us something to share with other women). I have Christian friends that I could easily judge (and sometimes struggle not to) but instead I try to pray for them and help guide them when possible. The hard part is not judging non-Christian friends. I have to remind myself that they are lost and need someone to show them the love of Christ. Prayer and love are powerful things we have as weapons in the war against the flesh.
Blessings,
Linda
Lysa,
I'd have to agree with some of the other comments. Alot of times judging and gossiping come down to how we see ourselves. Like one lady said, I too am a people pleaser and it's easier to go with the flow than stand-up to someone. Also sometimes if we're not real confident with ourselves it's easier to see or look for the wrong in others.
I know being in the word has helped with these issues. The verses about do unto others as you'd have them do to you - we've all experienced the downsides of judging and gossip, so why do that to others. Especially when we think about the fact that we are to do all things as unto the Lord.
Another thing that has helped is some strong Christian friends - who accept and love me for who I am. Their lack of gossip and judgemental statements has set an example that those things are not necessary.
The other thing we need to realize is how it doesn't have to be in the things we say, we can judge people in our hearts and that's just as damaging, if not more. It doesn't have to be something big either.
Looking forward to the book! I received your women's ministry info the other day - thank you for the advice and encouragement! Merry Christmas to you and your family! Pray your uninvited guests leave soon!!
AARGH! I wrote a long response to you, Lysa, and it got lost somehow. I'll see if I can remember what I said . . .
Basically, I've certainly done these things (who hasn't?) but I've also been on the receiving end, and it's not fun.
My husband and I have talked about this for hours, because I know one person in particular who spends a lot of time judging others and talking about others. It's hard to be around. We've finally decided that it's insecurity or jealousy or just plain wanting to keep up with the Joneses that makes her speak that way about other women.
When women gossip or judge others it's a way of elevating themselves above the person they are talking about. Satan uses this trick so often with women--it's easy to do because we naturally tend to feel badly about ourselves for some reason. And it makes us feel better about ourselves, somehow, to put another person down. It's dispicable, but we do it all the time.
How different our relationships would look if we lifted each other up, encouraged each other, spoke positive words to one another. That's the kind of friend I'd like to be, and the kind of friend I'd like to have. I feel refreshed when I've been with someone like that. But I feel dirty when I've been around a friend who puts people down all the time.
I'd love to see women change their habits in this area. If we realized each person's worth in God's eyes, I think we'd begin to make some changes in this area.
Great topic!
Ok, you KNOW I meant to say "shouldn't use it"...darn Satan!
A lot of times I find myself just getting caught up in the moment. It's like I have to input something to the conversation...you know? I can hear myself say "Well, listen to this..." or "You think that's bad, then...." It's so annoying. I hate when I do it. But it's like I've got to "one up" what is being said. When all I'm really doing is adding fuel to the fire. And I'm convicted when I do it. And you know when 99% of my gossip rears its ugly head? AT WORK! What kind of witness am I?? Sometimes I actually listen to the Holy Spirit and keep my mouth shut. Other times, I'm not so obedient. I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that Jesus isn't happy with my gossip. I also try to put myself in the other person's shoes...would I want this same stuff being said about me? It's a constant struggle.
In my own life I've discovered that a lot of times the issue behind my gossiping doesn't have anything to do with being mean-spirited (although of course it ends up coming across this way) but just a desire to have something to say. When I'm talking with women I don't have a lot of history with the easiest, most natural talk for some reason has to do with someone else we both know. It's not always ugly, but it would certainly do more to grow a friendship if I would just get to know that person instead of sharing things about another one.
Hmmm. We have flying squirrels in our attic. I can hear them chewing on stuff and it drives me "nuts".
As far as gossip, some people like the feeling of being "in the know", that they know something that someone else doesn't. Or maybe they want to make themselves look good by making someone else look bad. That's just two ideas. I'm sure there are a bunch of reasons.
Amy
I think insecurity is a reason women gossip. When we don't feel like our lives are the best out there we look at what others have and that leads to discontent.
I also feel some women(me) gossip without really meaning too. Before God helped me with this, I would ask people to pray about things that I shouldn't. We need to really be careful who we share sensitive prayer request with.
I think it is also important to teach the younger women what gossip really is. It doesn't have to be malicious or hurtful. You could be sharing really great news but if the person who told you doesn't want the world to know, you just gossiped.
I'm praying for this chapter to come out because I too think this is an important chapter!
Be blessed!
Pride puffs up. It's hard to critize others when you are keenly aware of your own shortcomings. When we are decieved and think the good working on our lives is anything other than the grace of God then we set ourselves up to having a critical spirit. Now God in His faithfulness will discipline us. That is why whatever measure we use will be measured unto us. Those same things we condemn others for have a way of falling right back on our own heads. Grace is grace and when we judge others we are taking God's glory for own own and He will not give His glory to another. So a gossiping, critical spirit is a pride puffing itself up and is done when deception has fooled us into thinking more highly of ourselves then what we oughta.
On the gossip and judging issue, I think it would be very helpful for these to be defined first. I know around my circle of friends this has been a hot topic. For some, gossip is talking behind someones back and saying something that you wouldn't say in front of them, and for others it's even mentioning another person or their activities. I've been rebuked before for sharing my own feelings about an interaction with another person...and yet some people feel that it's OK to "talk" about anything as long as it's presented as "pray for such and such." I think a lot of times women do enjoy sharing and we also use the experiences of others to LEARN, but finding those appropriate boundaries is hard.
I'm thinking I can't wait to read this book- sounds like a good one. I hope you have a great week celebrating Christmas with your family.
For me... when I catch myself being judgmental or wanting to talk about someone it is almost always because I am ignoring the Holy Spirit's gentle nudging to bring that situation to the throne room. It is easier to deal with it in the flesh than let God have His way in my heart and in their situation. It is a lot like like the cookie thing...celery... cookie... celery.... cookie, the flesh almost always wins 'cuz cookies taste better for the moment. Sad commentary, but true.
Lysa,
Try wrapping a piece of deli turkey around a piece of celery. I did this in desperation a couple of weeks ago. I was pleasantly suprised how good it was and quickly thanked God for having me do this! I've had this several times since. There are some low point Cookie recipes on the weight watcher website. Give those a try.
Merry Christmas!
Totally can't help you on the celery thing...so sorry! In fact, I completely understand and plan to stay tuned in, in case someone does offer help on the subject!
But as far as why women (aka..ME) choose to gossip, one reason is out of self-righteousness..."if only she were as holy as I am, then she wouldn't have this behavior". How sad is that?!?
Also, if I were totally honest, I'd have to say sometimes I may choose to do it out of jealousy.
Have a Merry (squirrel-free) Christmas!
I don't know the answer to the veggie vs. sweet treat dilemma. I think it will always be a problem!
As for me and my friends, gossiping doesn't usually start off with bad intent- usually, we get together during the week and have dinner and we just start the updates. We are all trying to catch each other up and so while we are doing this, somehow it turns into "oh my gosh, you'll never believe what happened to me" whether it was something at work, or with another friend, family, etc and then it takes off. It doesn't always have to start off maliciously; sometimes it's the result of our endless chatter. For me, it helps to make a conscious decision before we gather every time to not utter a negative comment or "piece" of gossip I might have heard.
Oh Lysa, gossiping & judging are something the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of a lot lately. In fact, this very thing has just split our group of very good friends into irreparable shreds. I find that when I engage in gossip its for one of two reasons.
1) Everyone else is doing it and I want to fit in. I have always had this desparate need to fit in. So if everyone else is gossiping about someone, I join in. This is where that verse about not being unequally yoked with unbelievers gets me. Not that believers never gossip, but I find I am more likely to do it (and say uglier things) when I'm with a group of unbelievers, so I have had to really watch who I keep company with.
2) I have a rather low self-esteem, and gossiping and especially judging is a perverted way of making me feel better about myself. I haven't conquered this by any means, but continually reminding myself that I am fearfully & wonderfully made helps me to bring myself up and not bring others down.
One more thing. I just finished Beth Moore's Daniel study. In it she talked about how the enemy loves to make hypocrites out of us believers. I think nothing makes us hypocrites quicker and easier than getting us to judge others. This weekend when I was tempted to judge someone, the Holy Spirit reminded me that I was falling for one of satan's schemes. Boy, I sure don't want to give him anymore leverage on me! That tamed my tongue quicker than anything.
I feel like I have a problem talking about other people. For me, I think it's a self esteem issue. If I talk about other people and their problems, I don't seem so bad. I actually might be better than them. Then I don't feel so bad about myself. That's just what it seems like to me. I know that probably makes me sound horrible but I'm just trying to be honest.
Great post, Lysa. If you find a cure to help crave a celery stick over a cookie, please let me know, hah hah!
Re: gossip and judgement of women - I am passionate about this topic, so be prepared for a long comment here....
Here are some thoughts that I've had on the subject that I've written about from time to time....I'm pulling them from various blog posts that I have written:
Our hearts are weak and frail in a spiritual sense.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" ~ Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV)
I have found this area of speech to be a matter of the heart. I believe when that when we begin to work on speech that is self-controlled and pure, we need to look our hearts.
When our hearts are dark with unconfessed sin, we are more apt to let the ugly come out in our speech.
"If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless” James 1:26
As we seek to set an example to others around us, we need to carefully guard the words we speak.
In the Bible (NIV), the word gossip is used 10 times throughout the old and new testament. Slander is used 46 times. Obviously gossip and slander are of great importance to God. Simply put, we are not to do them.
Gossip means to murmur, whisper, murmurers, backbite, slander, talebearer, backbiter, slanderer, tale bearer, informer
"A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret." ~ Proverbs 11:13
"A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much." ~ Proverbs 20:19
Simply put, gossip hurts. It hurts not only the one we're murmuring, whispering, or telling something about, but it hurts our hearts! It's sin. It damages our testimony to speak it and to hear it. How can we lead by example if we just have to share what someone asked us not to with just one person, because we just *know* they will keep our secret? If we didn't keep the secret to begin with, how can we expect them to?
Gossip is not only repeating something shared in confidence, it's speculation about things, and even talking about others. Confidentiality is becoming a thing of the past in so many areas of our lives. Do I really need to share that Sabrina told me that Joe said that he may have to get a second job? Whether she told me not to tell it or not, why do I feel that I have to share that information? What if I preface it with, "Ya'll, we have got to pray for Sabrina, bless her heart! She said Joe...." Nope. That's gossip, too. If Sabrina asks for prayer, yes, I will share it. If she is very open about it and we share a friend in common and that friend already knows, we may talk about them, but not in a negative way. With compassion. With love. With hope for a positive outcome. Not how in the world they got themselves into that position. "Joe drinks too much, don't you know, and Sabrina can't keep herself out of the mall long enough to..." Nope! Don't go there.
We must be as trustworthy as we can in our speech! Certainly there are times we need to vent and share, but I would encourage you to take it to the Lord or either your spouse. If I can't talk to my spouse about something, I can't talk to anyone. I try my hardest to make it a rule not to say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to their face.
Regarding gossip, what I'm working on is my motive for sharing. There are things that I do need to share and I run it through the self-control and purity checkpoint first, to see if it's just an utterance or something I really need to talk about and get feedback on.
To answer my own question....I'm not perfect. I confess, repent and try hard not to whisper, murmur or over-share.
Slander....oooh. That's a biggie. What is slander? Slander can go hand in hand with gossip. Some of it's meanings are whispering, defamation, evil report, defamation, defaming, unfavourable saying.
We read in Titus 2 that we are "...not to be slanderers...." Some other good verses on slander are found below.
"For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander." ~ Matthew 15:19
"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." ~ Ephesians 4:30-31
Slander is also a heart issue. And the words we speak come from the heart. Slander can come in even the subtlest of forms. If we feel justified saying something bad about someone, it doesn't make what we say right. Even if it's true. Even if it's said behind closed doors. Even if it's said to their face or in print.
What about me? Slander is something I try not to practice, but again, I'm not perfect. I stumble, I confess, I repent and try again. I try to see people as God sees them, as people that He loves, and it helps.
In closing, we have some pretty good guidelines to follow on our speech. I'm sure we have to be careful not to become so rigid in our speech that we are like Pharisees, but I do believe it's important for us to be aware of the power of the tongue. That said, again, I believe we should aim high.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17
"But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do;" ~ 1 Peter 1:15
I hope I've not bored you to death with such a long post, but I had so much to write on this topic. Like I said, it's something God dealt with me on when I read through His Word completely for the first time ever, and I'm learning that the words we speak matter to Him, to us, to others, and most of all, that the words we speak really show what's in our hearts.
"...For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." Luke 6:45
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips."~ Proverbs 4:23-24
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." ~ Ephesians 4:29
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." ~ Ephesians 4:32
S - self-control is so important in guarding the words we speak
P - pray about the words you say, do they honor God, do they honor others
E - expect fallbacks - we are not perfect, but we can be forgiven
A - always count to 10 before you share something or respond to something "questionable"
K - kindness goes such a long way in setting an example for others to follow
I - invite God to be your mouthpiece before you begin your day
N - notice the speech of those around you - it can rub off on you
G - grumbling mouths are a sign of grumbling hearts
I think the two biggest reasons are 1)insecurity and 2)pride or over inflated sense of self.
If I am not conifdent in myself or abilities, then I am more likely to judge and put down someone who i percieve is "outdoing" me. If I am over inflated in my perception of my abilities or worth, i will put down others who I think is not doing things "as well as i would"...
I believe we women gossip and judge more when our self-esteem is down in the dumps. When we feel bad about ourselves, we want others to either a)seem as bad as we do or b)seem worse than we do so as to elevate ourselves.
Ditto to what Cassandra above says.
It often becomes an easy topic of conversation when some of us are poor conversationalists. Maybe if I had some basic topics in mind all the time, I could bring them up when the conversation turns to gossip. Could you help in suggesting some easy to remember topics?
Cheryl
Holy cow - I want to read the comments, but they are chapters in themselves...each and every one of them.
Being in womens ministry is always a challenge when it comes to this issue. My commitment to the women that I lead is always, "Your reputation is safe with me."
I repeat it and remind myself of this constantly if I am ever in doubt.
I verbalized this just this past semester to a large group that I lead, and dealt with gossip and at our very first meeting. I went over the biblical model of confrontation...which is so rarely discussed, taught, modeled and dealt with head on. (I don't see "the church" teaching this very much any more, and doubt that most Christian women would know where to begin.) My desire was to see "CARE-frontation" at the forefront of our group, and develop a safe haven in this area. I can't begin to tell you the transformation that has occurred in both authenticity and relationship building. It has completely changed how I deal with women/ministry, and as odd as it sounds, any leadership role that I am in, I now begin with this topic. It is Satan's Turkish delight, in my opinion. He uses it so masterfully in Christian women.
The issue of judgmental attitudes is another whole topic...and such a fine line. John 3:16 used to be the most quoted verse in the bible...you know what it is now? "Judge not, lest you be judged." "The Church" (in a wide sweeping generalization) is becoming a melting pot for Relative Truth. We don't want to appear "judgmental" and so sin isn't called sin anymore for fear of stepping on toes.
Ok - yikes...you've hit on one of my 3 hot button topics that I refuse to ever post on for fear of sounding judgmental in written communication (yes, seriously :)hee hee. I only deal with these issues in person.
So, I better not even get started on this one.
And here, after all of these long comments, I was just going to leave a short little funny comment. I'll join my good friend the Nester in saying...even when I didn't have anything that I planned on saying, I did it anyhow.
Thanks to my high school typing class which allows my fingers to go as fast as my brain...without editing - so don't judge. :)
Lysa
I can't comment on your book issues until I have more information on the squirrel problem. Can your husband legally shoot a shotgun at your house. We would have the SWAT team at our house if we tried to shoot the poor defenseless squirrels with a gun. I'll get back to you on the book.
Deena
For me, gossip comes from a place where I am envious RELATIONALLY or bankrupt EMOTIONALLY.
I have a specific example that is too drawn out for a comment should you need specifics.
I'm worried that maybe my answer is too "simple," but I really believe that the main heart issue that causes women to gossip and judge is our desire to be accepted.
First, if you want to be a part of the "in" crowd (yes, we even have these in our Church women's groups) and they are engaging in gossip, making the choice to not participate sets you apart. Thus, not accepted.
Second, there is something special about having knowledge that no one else has. The pull to share that knowledge with others is strong. The very fact that we have said knowledge demonstrates that we are, in fact accepted (at least by one person who was willing to confide).
And finally, the envy factor. When others have what we wish we had (whether it be material possesions or relationships) it is difficult to accept. Here is the thinking that accompanies the envy factor: If she has been blessed with something I believe I deserve, there MUST be something else in her life that is horrible/lacking. So it stands to reason that if, by all outward appearances she leads a "charmed life," secretly she must have marital problems or financial issues...
No matter what manifestation appears to be, the heart issue stems back to the desire to be accepted, loved, and part of a group.
It is only when we allow Jesus to fill that void, when we allow Him to lavish us with love and acceptance, when we guage our value as women by how He values us that we are free from the grip of gossip and judging. A woman fully confident in the fact that she is accepted is free to simply love others, pray for them, and encourage them.
Lysa, oh man, I so often struggle with being judgemental! I truly think it comes from a spirit of self-condemnation, not believing who I am in Christ, and so I judge others in order to make myself feel "less bad". How messed up is that? Satan's deception at its finest.
I recently heard a well-known Bible teacher give an interesting idea regarding gossip, and after thinking it over I believe it's so true. She said one reason we gossip is because we are so totally isolated in today's society. We are devoid of deep, sincere relationships. We text, we email, we read blogs....we are developing virtual relationships to the demise of close, personal relationships. She went on to say that God CREATED us to have those close, personal relationships. Without them, we resort to things such as gossip, gossip magazines, etc, in a vain attempt to fill that need to be intimately involved in other people's lives.
If you really ponder this line of thinking for a while, it truly begins to make a LOT of sense. We are starved for true, intimate relationships!
I need answers on the Celery stick thing too! As for the gossip/judging...I really think it's when we see something in that person that make us feel superior or jealous...we talk about them to make our selves feel and look better. Our part of the sin nature curse. It's sad. We need rather to get to know that person better and find common ground. We are all sisters in the Lord.
Have a great day!
Gossip, I used to call it prayer...I truly meant it in that essence. But recently God has been convicting me in that area. But I find when I am with friends I walk away thinking, I did it again. It starts out as conversation, and turns downward real fast. I don't know what to do about it. My intentions are good, but I know it can be seen from others as not good. I like to hear about others lives', but that seems to get me in trouble. Sometimes I shy away from spending time with others because of this. It is hard to have a conversation with friends and come across as caring, but not have it be considered gossip...
So, now that I voiced that, am gonna go and read what others may have done to steer clear of gossip!
Shannon
Lysa...
Even "Fitness Friday Girl" eats her weight in cookies this week. We'll worry about it next week, deal? Deal.
Regarding judging...I've done that. I was the queen of judging others. Especially other moms on their parenting methods and the behavior of their kids.
And then God gave me my own kids.
The root of my judgmental attitude was pride, pride, pride. When God showed me that He really was the source of ALL my strength and wisdom, it really helped me get a handle on the judging thing.
And those lessons really came the hard way. God allowed some very, very difficult parenting situations to manifest. Situations I could not "fix". Even in all my "parenting wisdom."
Then He took me through a season where every single time I judged another mom or another kid, He would allow one of my kiddos to do the EXACT SAME THING...usually within a 24-hour period of the "judging."
I'm not kidding. It was crazy.
Now, He convicts me at the "initial thought-level" of the judging, and I'm learning slowly but surely to love and appreciate the unique parenting styles of all my beautiful friends and aquaintances. And I'm even learning from them...imagine that!
I'm also now totally convinced that God is my source of wisdom and strength...and I really have no clue.
Humility...gotta love it.
Blessings,
Sandy Cooper
www.godspeakstoday.blogspot.com
Hey Lysa,
Here's my two cents:
Insecurity (mental, physical and spiritual) is a huge culprit behind gossiping. Even though we deny that we are insecure, the need to be "better" than someone else is ingrained in us from toddlers on up. And what better way to look better than someone else is to point out their faults?!
Another might be the old cliche "knowledge is power". Women tend to enjoy holding that trump card containing juicy information about another. Once we are saved, we know that gossiping is wrong, so we try to wrap that gossip into the form of a prayer request - yikes! That's gossiping and lying at the same time!
Another reason is - and I'm tragically guilty here - not intentionally cultivating a merciful spirit and a Christ-like love for our brothers and sisters.
Can't wait to see your next book!
Thanks for all the words of encouragement you speak and write!
Kim
I find that I gossip because I tend to be extremely prideful. I don't want to be and don't mean to be, but it just keeps spilling out of my mouth therefore I can tell I haven't managed to get to the root of it to yank it out of my heart.
I tend to judge people by the yardstick of the Bible and then hold them up to others just to make myself feel better. I conviently forget that I have just as much fault and sin in my life. I manage to block out that I make as many mistakes and poor choices as every other human on the planet. I judge and gossip because I can then pretend that my life is better and perhaps maybe I am better too.
It comes from pride and envy. It comes from not being in my Bible like I should, not praying often and laying myself open before God. It comes from looking to the world to find value in myself and not to my creator.
As I truly seek to grow closer to God and to be an authentic follower of Christ, God is showing me some pretty ugly parts of myself that need to be cut out. This is one of them. I have been cutting and cleaning but it is a long process and there are times I find myself pretty low on the self esteem (or high on the self-pity) and I find myself gossiping and judging, judging and gossiping...looking for ways to make myself feel like I am just a little better than "them".
When I catch myself in those moments, oh, how I imagine God must be so disappointed. Full of grace and mercy and forgiveness but still. I try to remind myself that God, GOD!! made himself as NOTHING to save an entire world, generation upon generation, and I try to elevate myself for things that will pass away and for people that would only benefit from my humility and love.
Thanks for the question Lysa. It was a great catalyst to do a little self-checking. Wish I would have found a more favorable answer.
I have a lot of experience with the whole gossip issue. About 10 years ago the Lord took me on a journey to get rid of gossip in my life. The process seemed to last about 5 years or more...not that I never gossip, but I don't feel it is one of my core sins like it was in the past...
To make it short...2 things, gossip makes one look better, and for me because I always seemed to have some gossip to share, it would put me in the spotlight.... I was important, and prideful to boot. I could go on and on... I think gossip has to be one of the number one sins women struggle with, even if they don't think they do.
Have a Merry Christmas!!!
Being totally transparent here: Though I believe I (and God) have my own gossiping under control at this point, I think the main draw for me was to be the one "in the know" about someone. Like there was a huge rush in seeing someone's face when I told them something they didn't expect to hear. Oh gosh, that is awful, but it's true. It's a way to get attention for the gossiper.
Now, I have a stomachache.
Hey Lysa...Totally feel your pain on the Large rodants!
When My son was 3 he used to fling our back door open and yell, "SQUIR-YAL get off our YAND!"
They would dig up all my tulip bulbs:(
On the issue of women and gossip. I feel very uncomfortable when I am around someone who has lots of negative "information" to share...I wonder what information they share about me when I'm not there.
I try to share good gossip. Hoping that the good word gets back to the person I am praising.
Unfortunately I have not always done this....I think it's called leveling...bringing someone down to make me feel better! YUCK! How ugly I look when I do this!
I want to believe God when he says I am not that person~but the girl He says I am!
I gossip and judge when I am insecure with myself which happens when am not making time for and with Jesus.( spending time in the word and in prayer and worship)Also when I am not thanking Him for my many blessings.
Thanks,
Michelle
I think insecurity is at the root of the desire to gossip/judge others. We desperately want to be "good enough," and thinking we are "better than" is a way to make ourselves feel better. Maybe if we really understood who we are in Christ, we would not feed that desire. It is more a preoccupation with self than with others.
I'm not sure why women gossip-maybe just for entertainment-like watching a soap or talk show...or maybe when we are done talking about ourselves we need others to talk about...and possibly we are so curious we can't stand not knowing?
I do know why I don't...becoming truly humbled by God, brought down and broken and taken off my high and mighty pedestal. It is possible for me to have true joy and praise for someone and not have to take the spot light off someone else and put it on me-even if it's to say something hateful about another. Being obedient and making Jesus the center of my world sure brings way more joy than trying to keep me as the center of attention all the time.
I think that we women gossip and talk about others as a way of sharing and communicating with others. It's 'girl time' and it can feel so good to know something that others don't and to have their attention and interest while sharing. That sort of thing is almost never good, though, and it's way too harmful. It can be easy to be sucked into such a conversation. I try really hard not to gossip, and although I don't always make the right choice, when someone asks me about someone else, I kind of ask myself a few questions. Why are they asking? Will they pass along what I share? Is what I'm about to say positive or negative? If the information I have won't build someone up and it's not being passed strictly as a prayer concern to someone who is good at keeping confidences, then there's no good point in sharing it. Getting out of a gossiping situation is hard, too. I try to ask questions about something else to the person who is asking to change the course of the conversation.
I have two neighbors who were great friends for years but now rarely see each other. They often ask me about each other, and it got so awkward because I didn't want to gossip and didn't know why they were asking that I finally had to go to each of them separately and ask about it. That resolved the situation quickly and made me feel much better!
Hope the chapter rewrites go well!
Have a very Merry Christmas..I plan to get my cards out tomorrow..I just got them made today! I'm really behind.
As far as gossip and women..I think it shows that we have insecurities about ourselves.
Hi Lysa :)
Yes, gossiping is a tricky one. I know that when I get bored - my mind seems more open to hearing about other peoples interesting and crazy lives. It seems that when I'm idle - listening to gossip is more of a temptation.
Be blessed as you edit your book!
Merry Christmas,
Kate :)
Women gossip and judge other women to make themself feel better. Its much easier to point out what someone else is doing wrong than to look at your own life, or you tear down another women who you think has got it all together to make yourself feel better about not having it all together.
i judge because it makes me feel better about myself. or conversely, it sometimes serves to validate my negative self-talk and feelings of inadequacy.
i gossip because it just plain feels good to tell someone something they don't know about someone! so maybe selfish pride?
Hey Lysa..
I find when I'm not in God's Word that I am judgemental and then run my mouth.
I have to be in God's Word daily or I am just such a mess. When I am in God's Word then compassion for others just pours out of my heart. Jesus just makes such a difference in me!
Have a wonderful Christmas celebration.
love,
Lelia
I have two thoughts about judging and gossiping...things that I feel are true about me when I do those two horrible things...
Like Stasi Eldredge discusses in "Captivating" as women we are designed to want the attention. When we feel like we have failed to get and hold someone's attention, we look at the person who we believe is holding others' attentions more than us. Then we begin to judge, criticize, and talk about these people. Ironically, the thing that makes us crave this is our womanhood, and yet, we don't gossip about men or children. We gossip about the women, mothers, wives, daughters.
If you don't feel good about yourself, point out others' shortcomings. That should surely make you feel better, right? (I can recall my own mother telling me as a child that the kids who were picking on me were doing it because they felt bad about themselves...how true!)
And as a mother, I tell my children the same thing. And then when I do find myself standing in judgment or gossiping about someone else...I stop and ask myself why. Unfortunately, I have to admit that EVERY single time, I am doing this because some part of me...some part of my heart is still broken and feels inadequate.
To this very moment, I still know that doing these things doesn't make me really feel any better. And fortunately, I've learned enough to speak of such things only with my husband. And God knows and loves me enough to have given me a man who will step up and ask me why it's important. My hubby will call me on the carpet and remind me that I need to address me before I look at someone else.
Turns out I have several planks in my own eye...and I'm worried about a single splinter in someone else's.
Praise God for forgiveness and new chances each day to get it right. And sometimes, like today, my fears and judgment are proven incorrect and all I can do is praise Him again for being bigger than me, and BIG ENOUGH to love, to heal, and to provide anyway.
I may be duplicating since I haven't read the other posts yet. Someone I am very close to tends to talk about others, and usually in a negative way. Two things really stand out,insecurity and attention.
Insecurity in oneself tends to cause a person to point out the negative in others. She is not as bad, or at least others have faults too (and she will make a point to make those faults known!)
Part of this may be the perfectionist in a person to be perceived as a "good Christian" - and what better way to set the standard (hers, not God's) when she points all the things wrong with others, which of course she doesn't do herself.
The need for attention, or recognition, causes a person to talk about others... kind of like the investment commerial, "When T. Rowe speaks, people listen." When a person speaks, the focus is on her - so when she runs out of positive things to say, she starts on the negative to keep the attention on herself! Unfortunately, this same person doesn't accept that others would find her a bore. I give my attention to a person who is speaking because it is not polite to interrupt - not because I find them fascinating! LOL
And of course, being the first one to share a juicy piece of news is a trump card - what an attention getter that is! (I confess I get tempted in that area.)
I'm not exactly "Miss Social" as a conversationalist, but what I do have to say is positive, and seasoned with encouragement. I have a "glass half-full" outlook, and tend to see the good in everyone... or until they reveal their true nature by their own words :)
I think for the most part when we gossip & judge, we're doing it because we're not secure in who we are...if we truly saw ourselves as daughters of the King, why would we have a need to tear someone else down? I know for me, the less absorbed I can be with 'self', the better off I am and the more compassionate I am to those around me. Self is my biggest problem most of the time!
I've skimmed over several comments, but so many, don't have time to get to them all, so this may be a repeat; when I am not content in "all things" is when I get caught up in gossip. On the other hand, when I forget how I got to where I am (not that I have arrived, but when I am in a "good place" in my walk), I tend to become critical and pass judgement. It has been in my experience, when I didn't understand or said, "If they just had faith..." then sure enough, I too would experience in some sort of fashion, a trial that would take me to the depths, where others could then easily say, "If she would just have faith..." I believe in my life, I have been allowed to experience heartache, joy, love and so on, in order for me to be less judgemental, more loving and more understanding. Again, this has just been my personal experience.
I can only say that I usually find myself gossiping when I feel in some way threatened or inferior. I guess a defnse mechanism. I recently was struggling with whether or not to homeschool and found myself being judgemental and gossipy about the women I knew who did it. I guess it was insecurity...
I am one of the very few that can pass up a lot of sweets except coconut cake....
When it comes to gossip, I think of two things: My late friend Jeanny had this problem and told me how she felt the Lord telling her to go back and apologize to the offended. I had a stroke and later when I remembered, she had died, so I never did find out if she did. The other is this: thanks to the stroke, I had trouble with comprehension, so when I read the verse about backbiters, I took it literally. Those two things have stopped me!
Merry Merry Christmas and thanks again for your blogs.
I believe that gossip comes back to inferior feelings of the gossip-er. If I tell you how terrible XYZ is, then I feel somewhat better about myself. I think it is a heart issues, and the more secure you are in your own worth, the more you value the worth of others.
I think some of the heart issues behind gossip and judging are jealousy, not knowing your identity in Christ nor being secure in it, hence, low self-confidence/worth, pride, thinking yourself better than someone else, not truly understanding God's great grace and mercy (unmerited favor) that we didn't earn anything from Christ...
My approach...eat the unhealthy item but eat something nutritious right after (fruit, raw nuts, large glass of water, etc.). It's a balancing act!!
I just wanted say that Jen @ Balancing beauty and bedlam put it so well "It is Satan's Turkish delight, in my opinion. He uses it so masterfully in Christian women." Sometimes we will call it "venting" in our family - and we think that by letting it out (and hopefully getting a little bit of affirmation from our listeners in the process) will help us feel better. Or we will also call it "putting our two cents in"- that's when we give our "expert opinions" on the topic at hand. I do not want to speak for others - but I myself tend to have an "emotional" mouth that speaks what it feels without thinking first. I am learning to keep my words in check - and also my expressions - a smurk or disapproving shake of the head can give away all of the judgement I am trying so hard to conceal.
Unfortunately, I think women gossip to feel better about themselves and their own lives. In other words, low self-esteem and confidence are the true culprits. To keep myself from gossiping, I have to keep only a few close friends, those I trust and know would be offended if I gossiped to them. Thanks for asking. JD
you know sometme sI think it starts off as women needing a sounding board. then it turns into gossip or not nice talk. I am working on this myself, reminding msyelf that I need to go to God not another human. I run to another human becuae I want to vent and then want to hear sometimes, you know you are right, so and so was so wrong to do that.
And sometimes it is out of insecurity on our parts. where we feel as women we hae to one up the other mom or wife. When really we have to stop finding our identity in being a mom or wife and find it in being a child of God (working on a blog post about this)
I think gossip and judging are both born out of a heart of insecurity. I know that I most likely fall into that trap when I am "hesitant" in my assurance in God's love for me.
Sometimes it doesn't even have to come out as gossip or a judgment. Sometimes it comes out as being snippy or mean in tone. I've been trying to deal with this lately, but it isn't easy. So, on one hand people are saying that about me and then a manager at B&N tonight asked, "Do you ever raise your voice at someone?" I hesitated. She said, "If you have to think about it, it's been too long." I thought about it a minute or two more. I said, "I may not raise my voice but I get intense."
Most of my stuff is so caught up in insecurity both with God and others.
I'm probably not making a bit of sense. It's late and it's been a long day. But if you want to know more of my thoughts or more of the story at the moment, email me and I will fill you in. I just can't quite do it tonight!
Lysa, when I am tempted to gossip or talk about someone, I have a little voice that says, "Is it for me or for Thee?" and that usually stops me in my tracks.
As a person who grew up hard of hearing and relied on reading lips, I didn't "hear" gossip going on around me. But could always tell by someone's body movements, actions, and attitude if they were gossiping or talking about me or someone else. . .
Hi Lysa,
Although I want to read all of your previous comments, it's way past my bed time and I'm fading fast, so I would like to just share the thoughts that came to mind when you asked about gossip. I think it is done out of jealousy sometimes and other times it's the way we women voice our opinion about what we would do differently in a situation. Unfortunately, some women do it because it must make them feel better about themselves, but I think most of us want to help the people we think are in need of advice but sometimes don't quite know how to approach them about it, so we talk about it with other people and it becomes gossip. That may not make much sense at all in my half state of sleepiness, but I felt the need to share. Have a wonderful Christmas with your family (& your new squirrel buddies)!
Hey Lysa,
I do believe that judgement and gossip, when meant to be, is pretty much summed up to our own hurts and "failures". We tend to be so hard on ourselves, and even when others see inspiring character or traits in us, we fall short to see them in ourselves. Having been on the other end of some gossip, most everyone knows how that can feel. It has been a pet peeve of mine, gossip, especially among my women friends, because you just don't know what is going on in other people's lives. You aren't in their shoes, so you can't judge anything that you have seen or heard. People can be so mean, without even knowing it. I try to always, always give people the benefit of the doubt, and, once again, people have no idea what other people are going through, so unless you are in their shoes, you can't say much. I could go on about this particular subject, but I think you get my drift. It only takes a smile and a kind word to change someone's day, but one word of gossip can change their life. Love you!!
If you keep/stay HUMBLE, all of the above mentioned; insecurity, jealousy, a critical judging spirit, discontentment, etc. will fall by the wayside. I've eaten enough "humble pie" in my time to come to this conclusion!
Also, the battle field IS in the mind. You have to remember continually to ....destroy speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
(2 Corinthians 10:5)
I am afraid I have been on both ends of gossip and judgement. Either way, it results in pain and no matter how many apologies there are, the words were said, the wound was made. I have yet to see gossip or judgmental attitudes help someone. I agree with some of your other blog responses in that many times this is the person's way to handle their own insecurities. Somehow they feel better, feel they are better by pointing out the fauts of others.
There is one way to combat this...it's called GRACE!! It is what God demonstrated to me and it is what we are called to demonstrate to others. GRACE.
I"m coming to this late.. I've noticed I tend to judge & gossip out of insecurity.. because THAT woman has this or that which is better or worse than mine.. a lot of comparing goes on in my head.. I'd like to say "or used to" but it still does.. My biggest help is praying through accepting myself in Christ.. And having recently undergone a family tragedy, it helps to remind myself that the woman moving slowly in the grocery store may NOT have it all together either..
Due to the business of the month and my efforts to slack on everything if I'm going to slack on anything (well, this nagging guilt that if I can't get the real stuff done I don't need to be blog surfing) I haven't been around, but wanted to add my thoughts anyway.
The first things that come to my mind in answer to your question are (not in order of prevalence or importance): insecurity, need for approval, and that odd trait that seems to grace just the daughters of Eve that finds us attempting to elevate ourselves by dragging down someone else.
When we look at the motives each for what they are, it's easy to say "I don't want to do that," but it's so much easier said than done.
Great Questions Lysa! Why woman gossip and judge other women? Have you struggled with this? Found anything that helped you?
My thinking; is women are very deep, complicated, precious, and unique. I think the reason we gossip or talk is we have much to say. We talk to find our thoughts. Unlike men, who have fewer words we find ourselves in talking. We gossip to figure it out. We may be accused of judging, but really we are sorting through our own thoughts, feelings, hearts. I believe it is Heart Issues! We look outside to find ourselves. We are peer dependant. We are more relationship based. We need each other. God changes us through, and uses the women around us.
Yes, I have struggled with this. I fell like it is a sort of competition, to compete to keep up with, or be like. Whenever I am feeling like I need to keep up with or not like, or need to be like. I have to take back, step away. (CLEAN LINT) I need to check my heart with me! I have area's that I need to work on. I have found that I have a Chair in my room, that I set aside. It is my sort of alter. I take whatever is bothering me, to it. Lay it on my alter. Then I get quiet before the Lord, and I cry, plead, give everything to the Lord! I sometimes make a love list. Say it's my friend, (judy) I may even have a pic of (judy) When I pass by this chair and I see what I placed in the chair. (sometimes it is a picture)
I say, OH, yes I gave that to God!
This helps me! I have to constantly check my heart before the Lord. That has helped me and given insight.
Hope this gives someone else a place to check their heart.
Karen
WHen you find the cure for sugar cravings....do clue me in!! For me it's the homemade toffee. Can I ever scarf down that stuff.
As far as gossip...My take on it is that when people feel "less" than whomever they are talking to, or "less" than the target of the gossip, it's a method of trying to look better by making someone else seem even worse. It's also a method for angry people to vent aggression.
I like the II Cor 10:12-13 admonition that measuring ourselves with ourselves or comparing ourselves to ourselves is not wise. That one is to excel in the field in which God has placed one. Concentrating on being the best I can be rather than focusing on so-and-so's faults works for me.
Just a thought.
I read a lot of the comments and I have to agree that insecurity and pride starts a lot of gossip. And I think there is something exhilarating about being the "first" person to share something. Perhaps, "Did you know so and so was pregnant?" or "Guess who won the lottery?" It feels powerful to be the first to tell. Not all the time is that bad. You could be saying, "Guess who got baptized today at church?"
Unfortunately most of the time we are not sharing good news. We are sharing something not so flattering about another person. The one thing that has helped me stop this is drawing closer to Him. Sounds like a Sunday school answer, but it's true. The more time I spend in His Word, the closer my heart (and therefore my mouth) resembles Him.
Don't you notice the same with your friends? When you spend time with friends who are negative, it brings you down. When you hang out with positive friends, you are more positive.
I've noticed when I spend more time with God I hear the prompting of the Holy Spirit to keep my mouth shut a little more.
I'm jumping in late, and everyone has probably already said what I would be saying. :-)
I think half the reason I listen to gossip when I do is because of my curiosity about other people. I like to figure people out and knowing more about a person's life gives me the insight I crave.
I do tend to put myself in another's moccasins a lot and I don't make hasty judgments, yet... sometimes too much of the knowledge of good and evil is a bad thing. It can color my perception about someone in very subtle ways.
I also am simply not a very private person myself. I tend to spill my guts to the whole world and I find it hard to understand that there are people who are much more private about their lives than I am. I have put my feet in my mouth many times because I shared details that I wouldn't have considered private.
I have a good friend who ALWAYS makes a comment when I share something to her about someone else. She will ask me straight out whether I think so-and-so would mind me sharing what I am sharing. She never lets me get away with anything gosippy, and her faithfulness in this area has made me aware of my own shortcomings. It's convicted me, and I have learned to keep a guard in front of my mouth a lot more because of her.
Maybe if you could realise that the celery stick is building up your temple of God while the cookie is tearing it down it would be easier to eat healthy, living food. : -)
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