Last weekend, Holly and I were in Nashville, TN. Home of country music, southern twang and the very hip and happenin' Annie Blogs. (See Annie far left and Katie B. far right.)
I spoke at the Pure Glory Conference in Dickson, TN. After the conference was over, Holly and I met up with Annie and her friend over some serious southern salsa and some slightly questionable Fajita Salads.
During our time together the conversation flowed freely about all sorts of things. Blogs. Writing. Leaving your comfort zone because God said so. Biscuits. Voices that sound funny.
And then we moved on to the subject of relationships and eventually landed on marriage.
Annie is not married yet. But, she would like to be one day. So, she asked if I would consider writing a post with advice to those not yet... but will one day be... married.
I always thought marriage was all about finding the right partner. If you find "the one"- you'll be happy, secure, and fulfilled. I do think it's good to have a list of standards that you look for in a spouse.
However, it can never be with the expectation that if you find that special someone, he'll right all your wrongs and fill up all your insecurities. The problem with this thinking is the pressure it will eventually put on your spouse.
To expect another person to make you feel happy, secure, and fulfilled will leave you disappointed at best and disillusioned at worst. Even a great husband makes a very poor God.
Only God can settle those deep heart needs. A man can never do this. If a husband could meet every need his wife had, we'd have no need for God. Therefore, instead of just focusing on finding the right partner, let God work on your heart to help you become the right partner.
The time to start working on becoming a wife is now. Before the white dress, delicate bouquets, unity candle, bacon wrapped shrimp, and reception punch, there is some heart stuff to consider:
Getting married doesn't instantly make you selfless... it makes you realize how very selfish you can be at times.
Getting married doesn't make you feel loved... it makes you realize love is more of a decision you make than a feeling you feel.
Getting married doesn't take away loneliness... it makes you realize true companionship comes not when you demand it but rather when you give it to another person.
So, what does marriage give?
A chance.
A beautiful chance to make the choice to...
Laugh-
whether or not the jokes are funny.
Love-
by folding his collar over his tie every morning.
Pretend-
like you don't need flowers, but delight when he buys them anyway.
Cheer-
him on through both failures and successes.
Tell-
him he's a great man everyday.
Thank-
God for the privilege of being his wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay Bloggy friends...
Time to pipe in and share.
What should Annie and her friends know about marriage?
79 Comments:
1. Marriage isn't between 2 people only; it takes 3 to make it last with God as center of it all.
2. Pray together daily.
3. Marriage is a decision to take seriously. Don't rush into it. Wait for God's timing!
4. It is a roller coaster of feelings; always rolling along and reaching high and low points.
5. Learn to give more than you think you need to and then give even more!
6. Forgive and try hard to forget; don't keep bringing up the past.
7. Enjoy individuality; but remember you are now a couple!
8. Share responsibilities.
9. Leave love notes for each other in unexpected places to keep an air of mystery in relationship.
10. Thank God everyday for your partner; realize how fortunate you are to be with them.
Wow, you said it great! I think marriage is just one of the many things God created as a tool to refine us and make us more like Him. You can do everything in the world to prepare for it but some lessons just need to be learned within it's framework.
Great post, Lysa.
First Annie, you should be equally yoked. This means he must love Jesus and the Georgia Bulldogs. Any other combo simply will not do.
Unless the man is Tim Tebow for whom we will be willing to make exception.
Seriously, I often share with my girls that desperation is not attractive. Neediness is a man-repellant (in the long term anyway. We don't want to talk about the short-term effects). There is nothing more intriguing to a man than a woman who is filled up with her Jesus and for whom a mate is a wonderful addition to her world - not the center of it. I think of the line in the Casting Crowns song 'In Me' that says, "How refreshing to know You don't need me, How amazing to find that You want me..." This same dynamic that frees us in our relationship with Christ is just as powerful in our husband/wife relationships.
Blessings on you my friend! I pray you will be overwhelmed with a feeling of 'oughtness' when God reveals The One.
I can't WAIT to read all these. :)
And those salads were only questionable to the staff, not us. Right Holly? :)
Love ya, Lysa.
Dear Annie (that is my younger sister's name, btw, who is single also and hopes to be married one day!):
"A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" Ecc.4:12
As our pastor says, marriage has three people in it, and only One is perfect! And staying rooted and grounded in the Perfect One and having konoinia with your husband is beautiful.
Showing respect. Huge. Take time to do some studies on marriage now as you feel the Lord preparing your heart. Reading the book or watching the seminar series
Love and Respect" by Emerson and Sarah Eggerich.
"Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas is great, too. The theme of the book: Do you expect marriage to make you happy or holy? Your spouse is your sanctification tool.
Grace, mercy, showing unconditional respect and love. When I am upset with my husband, I want my heart to look at him as a brother in the Lord first. He is my brother in the Lord, and I find I can more quickly show grace and mercy to him as my brother than as my husband.
"Forgive quickly" those are the two words I remember our pastor saying at our premarital classes. I am thankful my husband forgives quickly, and I want to always forgive quickly, too.
Wait for the one from Him, as you are doing. And your waiting demonstrates trust in Him. He will bless you for that.
In the interest of time and comment space, I will stop here. :) Annie, you'll be having lots of sisters praying for you! Please keep us posted in the months to come! :)
Remember...HE loves you perfectly and completely. "For your Maker is your Husband -- the Lord Almighty is His name -- the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer..." Isaiah 54:5
When I met my husband at 17 years old neither of us was where we should be in our relationship to God. We were both raised in christian homes and believed but our lifestyle was not in line with Him. So...when we married (I was 20, he was 25) we both just didn't "get it" that we can not fulfill each other as the fairy tales tell us. Only God can do that. Twenty-one years later and we are finally coming to an understanding WHO should be first--God and then each other.
So my advice to all unmarried christians would be pray for a Godly man who loves the Lord more than you!
blessings,
Kim
Don't have any wisdom to share, but just wanted to say how beautiful is your list of "what a marriage gives". You made me cry.
Desiring to cherish my husband in that way.
Love & prayers
Joy
Lysa,
I've read your blog daily for 8 months now but have never commented on it. Over the last few months I've really felt GOD calling me to comment because your posts have been so timely to what's been happening in my life. And today I finally couldn't resist any longer. I also am struggling with being single. I'm almost 21 years old, and a soldier in the Army currently stationed in Italy. Anyways over the last few months many of my close friends have gotten married or had children. And I'm starting to feel left out. So this posting was extremly helpful to me along with the other readers' comments. Thank you for sharing your heart for the LORD, and being a GODly voice on how to approach marriage & life in a way that honors GOD.
You could use the title of this post as a book title. It says so much and grabbed my attention as a "must read" today. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing with us.
For Annie, my best advice is to leave and cleave. Having someone's mother in the middle of the marriage is really tough.
All I wish to add is three special things that actually brought my heart towards my husband. I noticed he never put down or critized old girlfriends, didn't try to impress me with compliments, and played well with others....hhhh...the first Christmas together he played house with my neice who was toddler age at the time...we had only met one month earlier...he kept her busy all day long while the rest of us caught up. I dedicated a page to him this past August(Ode to Joe). We have been through much together and even at my worst, he never put me down to others! Still holding strong!
PS...he played a mean game of Pretty Pretty Princess in his day!
The greatest thing I have learned about marriage is to "love him anyway." So he does XYZ that makes me totally furious, and he doesn't do QRS which makes me feel resentful. I choose to love him anyway. Even if it means I get taken for granted from time to time. I love him anyway. Love is a choice. Probably more so in marriage than any other relationship.
Something else that has totally changed how I view my husband.... I have begun to praise God for all his strengths, rather than asking (begging) God to fix his flaws. When I'm worried about finances, I praise God for making my husband a good steward. Even though he has made BIG financial mistakes in the past, and he doesn't do everything the way *I* think it should be done. Still, I praise God. I don't beg or plead for a fix. I praise. What a change that has made in ME!
When I asked God what it was that I should be looking for in a man, He told me to look for a man that did not want to break God's heart, and in doing so, I had to be a woman that did not want to break God's heart. I had a problem with men asking things of me that God wasn't happy with... and this piece of counsel helped me to know that I was not being loved the God intended for me to be loved. It enabled me to say no when I needed too.
Blessings to you:)
What an awesome post Lysa!
I have been married for just over 4 years now and even though that isn't very long....I have learned A LOT.
You are SO right. We can't look to our husbands to fulfill us like only God can. And like wise - we can't change and mold and perfect our hubbys like only The Creator has the ability to do.
I have learned that this whole marriage thing can't be done well apart from prayer. God is IT, y'all. He is just sooo IT.
Have a great day!
- Kate :)
Amen, sister, Amen!
Marry a God loving man - not one that you hope may love God someday
Find out what both of your love languages are first and then learn to love each other in that way (The Five Love Languages - Gary Chapman)
Don't settle - take you time and listen to God's leading
She should know that Walt Disney lied. Your prince will not come rescue you, unless you mean the Prince of Peace (Jesus).
Psalm 146:3 "Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save you."
Having said that, the right man can be your helpmate, friend, lover, confidant. Just not your Savior.
Well, Annie, I don't have too much to add from all the comments I've read. You guys are great!!! I have been married for 14 years this month, and I have to say I am still struggling to realize that my husband cannot fulfill me in every way I need. I have had that head knowledge, but it is just now really hitting my heart. Also, for those of you who are married, when you are struggling with your mate it helps to pray that God will let you see your mate through His eyes. Praying together also reveals your mate's heart, which at times you may not be able to fully see what is on their mind. I waited until I was 27 to get married, and that was great timing for me, personally. Trust in Him, Annie - He is preparing you even as we speak for that man. Thanks Lysa and Holly for your dedication and commitment to this blog. It has changed my life. :-)
Pretend you don't need flowers--I loved that one, Lysa. I know exactly what you're talking about.
And to Annie--Marriage is wonderful. Wait for God's timing and choice for you and then give, give, give like there's no tomorrow.
Lysa, it's hard to add to this, so I'll give some observations from my own marriage...
* Communication is key beforehand - talk about handling finances, how many children you want, whether you want to stay at home or work outside the home...do some strategic planning before those events!
* Never go to bed mad, even if you have to stay up until 3:00 a.m. (to get him to come around to your point of view, hah hah) Seriously, really ask yourselves is it something worth spending anger over. If not, forgive and move on - life is too short to fight over the petty things.
* Keep him covered in prayer - you can pray for him already, even though you don't know who he is yet. Never stop praying for him.
* Don't talk bad about him to anyone, not even your Momma. Build him up, don't tear him down, especially in his hearing - it's good for men to hear us talking good about them.
Praying for you and your future husband!
Wait for the man God has for you and DON'T compromise! I got married despite God's warning, and I am in the midst of divorce.
Lysa- I love the advice you have given. Truly, every moment is a learning moment to be a better servant (which is what marriage is all about) for God, whether married or single.
Embrace every chance to be the woman of God that He's called you to be because when you get married, you are going to have many situations to test that, and you want to pass the test now.
I must completely agree w/ Lysa. DO NOT depend on your husband to meet your every need.
Sadly, when I married my husband, I thought he was my hero. Boy was I wrong! I know now that I must rely on God for my own insecurities, and even the good things, and to change my husband's heart and mind.
anon.
Forget Jerry McGuire - a man does not complete you. God does. A man simply is a bonus :-)
I've learned after many years of marriage that communication is paramount. Even if things get ugly. Everyone disagress sometimes. If you don't, it is not normal in my book.
But just because you disagree isn't grounds for a divorce! Stick it out and work through the rough patches.
Leave the past in the past.
Make sure God is a central component in your marriage.
Blessings on all you single sisters!!
Lysa,
Thank you for this post!!! Like Annie, am single and I hope to be married one day (if it is God's will for me)... thank you for taking the time out to talk about this! it is very helpful. I think for me it is def. going to be a lot harder... because I grew up without a father figure in my life. And so my view on many things in life is distorted... this brings a new perspective on marriage for me... plus my mom's parents divorced so it makes it a little harder to see the true "picture" of marriage (of what is should look like)... Thank you Lysa!!!
I wish I would have read this blog 20 years ago!!!
I think marriage is an opportunity to live blind...
Blind to all the faults of your spouse. Blind to all the clothes he leaves on the floor. Blind to the flaws and failures that seem to become so magnified after the honeymoon is over.
Blind to the other guy who seems oh-so-much-more interested in you.
And Deaf...
Deaf to the careless words and ugly tones that linger in your head after apologies have been spoken.
Deaf to the other voices telling you happiness is out there, somewhere, anywhere but in your marriage.
And a chance to become a student again...
A student of the man God has placed in your life. Discovering the subtleties of his character. The things that make him soar. The things that break his heart. The things he does well and not so well. The ways he communicates love, even when it's not the way you are used to receiving it. What his "quiet" means and what makes him laugh really, really hard.
And if there was one book I wish I would have read BEFORE I got married, it would be "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. That would have saved me about 5 years of misunderstanding.
Blessings to all of you!!
Sandy Cooper
www.godspeakstoday.blogspot.com
Communication, sharing your heart through words. They cannot read our minds anymore than we can read thiers.
Unconditional love.
I absolutely agree with all of the above!!! The first eight years or so of our marriage were a HUGE learning experience!
What stands out for me is: Don't expect your marriage to be like anyone else's. Don't base your model of marriage on any other. Trust God to mold your marriage into something uniquely yours and your husband's.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11
Only God knows what he wants you to learn from your marriage, and if you seek Him first every morning (and sometimes moment to moment throughout the day) He will reveal to you, a little at a time, what He wants you to learn about Him through your partnership with your spouse. Make your primary goal in your marriage to seek Jesus with all your heart and know Him better, and this will manifest itself in your marriage.
Lisa
Great thoughts Lysa. The only thing I would like to add is this: BE YOURSELF! When I was dating my husband, I tried so hard to be what I thought HE WANTED me to be! Therefore I made myself ride horses with him although I am terrified of horses! I let the holes in my pierced ears grow back together because he didn't like pierced ears. The list could go on and on. THEN....after we got married I started resenting the expectations he had of me. Only it wasn't his fault....I had tried to be someone that I wasn't and he didn't really know the "real" me! So if I could change one thing that would have been it! Just BE YOURSELF!
God bless!
Marilyn
Marriage is hard work. It is so important to have God at the center of any marriage. Imagine a triange. God is one corner, you at another and your spouse at the other. As you each grow closer to God you will also grow closer to one another. You really have to develop a completely, unconditional love for each other as God has for us. I also recommend that anyone getting married watch the movie "Fireproof".
with all God's love,
Julie
My advice is to let GOD be your matchmaker. This topic is so near and dear to my heart. I had a disasterous first marriage. Once I let go of all the things I wanted and focused on my Savior and King, He healed me, showed me He loves me and much later brought me a man who is quirky, fun to be around, as beautiful on the inside as the out (seriously folks he is HANDSOME!), loves the Lord with his whole heart, AND who had the same committment to purity before marriage that I did. All you singles out there: "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your rihteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him..." Psalm 37. I was married 29 months ago at age 36, got pregnant 2 months later and now have a 19 month old and a 4 month old. BTW Be careful what you ask for...God has a sense of humor!
:-) I just need to remember, I can do ALL things (even raise babies 15 months apart) through Christ who strengthens me!
Blessings!
ML
My advice is to let GOD be your matchmaker. This topic is so near and dear to my heart. I had a disasterous first marriage. Once I let go of all the things I wanted and focused on my Savior and King, He healed me, showed me He loves me and much later brought me a man who is quirky, fun to be around, as beautiful on the inside as the out (seriously folks he is HANDSOME!), loves the Lord with his whole heart, AND who had the same committment to purity before marriage that I did. All you singles out there: "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your rihteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him..." Psalm 37. I was married 29 months ago at age 36, got pregnant 2 months later and now have a 19 month old and a 4 month old. BTW Be careful what you ask for...God has a sense of humor!
:-) I just need to remember, I can do ALL things (even raise babies 15 months apart) through Christ who strengthens me!
Blessings!
ML
Don't do it until you absolutely understand that love is a choice, not an emotion. We women are so dependent upon our emotions and the devil will use our emotions to speak lies to us that we will believe if we are not steeping ourselves daily in His truth from His Word. Be totally sold out and married to God first and He will direct you to the right man, according to His will.
May God bless all single women with the ability to wait on God's perfect timing.
We are raising a generation with a "you complete me" mentality. If you are not complete in Christ in your singleness, having a husband won't make you complete when you're married.
Look for a F.R.O.G. Prince. If he doesn't fully rely on God then he's not the prince for you!!!
Once you get married to your FP, you have to focus on YOUR role in the marriage. You be the wife that God has called YOU to be and leave the rest to God. I would highly recommend reading "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggrichs(sp?).
It's good to develop all kinds of friends. Just as your husband cannot meet all of your needs, one friend cannot either. But girlfriends help you to find ways to laugh at yourself when you don't think life is very funny!
marraige must first start with God as our focus.
and for me and my husband the main thing we have learned and are still learning. I need to respect him and he needs to love me. We need to beleive in eachother, never allow negative talk or thoughts come out concerning eachother. When other firneds get into a husband bashing session I walk away.
we encourage eachother's dreams and focus on God first
You know, I was just thinking about this topic this morning. In three weeks I'll celebrate my first anniversary with my sweet, wonderful, adorable husband. I married at 33, so I had a lot of years of singleness. This morning I was thinking about how much my world has changed since my marriage. Even after all those years of thinking about what marriage would be like, I had no idea that my life would change so much.
So here's my advice:
1. Serve God as much as you can while you're single. Chances are you won't be able to devote as much time or thought energy into service once you're married due to other responsibilities. I taught a singles Sunday school class for three years, but during pre-marital counseling I realized I had to let that go. I've missed it, but it was the right decision so that I could focus on my new life with my husband.
2. Read "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. A major thought I got out of this is that marriage is a spiritual discipline.
3. If you end up in a drama-filled dating relationship, run the other way! Chances are it won't get better. Your relationship with the man you're going to marry should be as easy as your relationship with your best friend. I can honestly say that my husband and I have never had drama, and it's wonderful. Drama is for teenagers.
4. Look for someone with the same sense of humor as you. You should be able to laugh together often.
5. Communication is key. And that means that word choices and tone of voice are HUGE. Poor word choice can turn a discussion into an argument.
6. When you're dating someone seriously, stick with your quiet times. Be disciplined. It's easy to get out of the habit when planning a wedding and learning to live with someone, but you'll only end up lonely for God.
7. Once you're engaged, pray together every day.
8. Marry someone that is teachable. If he's hard-headed and not willing to listen to others, he won't be easily corrected by God. One of the things that I love about my husband is that when he hears a sermon, he applies it to himself and doesn't think, "So-and-so should hear this."
9. Forgive quickly and sincerely. You get your feelings hurt even when you're married, so you will have opportunities to forgive. But once forgiven, do your best to forget about it. It can be done. My husband has told me several times that he appreciates that I don't bring up past hurts over and over again.
10. When you get married, your life will change more than you think. You won't see your friends as often, you'll be working hard trying to figure out what it is to be a good wife, your prayers will change, even your relationship with your mother may change once you're a wife! Just take it all in stride.
I could go on and on, but that's enough for now.
If you check out my post here, http://sitahenderson.blogspot.com/2008/10/falling-for-jesus.html, you will see that God filled my void that yearned for a perfect love BEFORE I met my hubby. So when I did get married, it was with the knowledge that my hubby could never give me that perfect love and I did not have to demand it of him.
So that is my advice for you, fall in love with Jesus first. And pray that your hubby also has Jesus as his first love. Then all else falls into place.
Marriage is hard hard work, but its a wonderful experience to learn and grow and make mistakes and learn some more TOGETHER.
First of all, I echo so many of the things you already said Lysa...
I heard this quote once (not sure where this came from), "Marriage in not meant to make you happy, but holy". When you first hear that statement it sounds off, but it really isn't. Yes, of course there is much happiness to be found in marriage, but I think as the quote states that God uses the marriage relationship to make us more like Him, more holy.
I often say that my husband and I can bring out the worst in each other, but even though that sounds so bad, it is such a good thing. God brings the sins of our (hubby and me) heart to the surface so He can deal with it and change us to look more like His Son.
The flesh will resort to selfishness and wanting to be served, but marriage is quite the opposite, and I have found that as my hubby and I have denied ourselves and served one another we are truly most fulfilled and happy.
Ok, I could write a book, but will stop here. So many awesome words of encouragement and advice today from the bloggy community:)
When I let go and let God take control of my heart with all of its vast emotions and scars, that's when He showed me the right mate. I had gone on a roller coaster (I despise the real ones!)ride of relationships for 5 years. The baggage and the guilt were awful.
Right after the last heart break, I was hired to work in a place for a season where I was surrounded by a group of genuine Christians who prayed daily with me. The spiritual battle was tremendous. I chose to make the Lord my all in all and told Him that I did not want another relationship unless it was His will.
He did eventually bring someone into my life who didn't know Him. We were friends for a time and the Lord used me to witness to him and he eventually accepted Jesus into his heart. 15 married years later we have been serving the Lord and enjoying the journey of seeing God's sanctification process at work in us each day.
YES, put the Lord in the center of your marriage and the miraculous will happen especially through the "worse" part of the vows that you pledged to each other before God.
You hit on (to me) the biggest -- and what took me 12 years to learn: Even a great husband makes a very poor God. That's the main thing to know. The other I would advise someone to know is to read Gary Thomas' Sacred Marriage book. The theme: "Marriage may not be to make you happy. It's to make you holy." If you approach marriage with that attitude, you are serving one of God's precious children (your spouse) and learning more about the nature of God all the time. Amazing love and amazing grace.
I love all the comments. I really needed this today, even after being married almost 13 years.
I will only share one thing, that was shared with me before I said my own marriage vows: "Love means commitment."
-Commitment to love him even when you don't feel loveable.
-Commitment to share yourself even when you want to be alone.
-Commitment to hope even when the circumstances say otherwise.
-Commitment to pray for him even
when you are tired.
-Commitment to speak to him even when the words don't come easily.
-Commitment to the promise you made on your wedding day even when the promise feels broken.
-Commitment to a God who makes all things possible through Him.
Blessings to you.
A friend of mine has the following quote on her facebook page...
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must be seeking the Lord to find it."
I don't know where she found that quote, but I wish I had understood that wisdom when I was single...
I loved this post! It makes me want to go give my hubby a big kiss! :)
A piece of advice I like to give is to TELL him what you want and need. Then you must accept whether or not he chooses to meet those needs but at least tell him. Men are not mind readers.
One of our favorite stories happened in our first year of marriage.
I was feeling blue and mentioned to Clint that I missed the love letters he wrote me during our engagement. He smiled sweetly and was like, "Oh Jami I'll write you a love note sometime."
To which I replied in a quivery voice..."NOW....will you write me one now?!"
He was kind of shocked but was did as I asked. He walked right downstairs, wrote out a note, and gave it to me. I read it right then and ...cried (a good cry)! :)
The next morning after he had left for work, I sat down to read my bible. There sitting in the pages of my bible was yet another love note from my man. I felt so loved and cared for! :)
So I say again, be open with your man. Let him know what's on your heart and you may be wonderfully surprised by him! God bless!!
There is some most excellent advice and knowledge listed above!
My advice: Make sure its someone who knows the real you, the one without the makeup, the hair that hasn't been washed for two days, the one who puts her underwear on inside out, forgets to brush when she is home alone for the first week with the brand new baby, the one who gets an upset tummy from too much mexican food, the one who cries real easily certain times of the month, and the one who can eat a whole pan of chocolate brownies!
Annie...know God has the perfect plan for you and today I am praying with much excitement to see your story lived out! Love to you!
Such amazing advice here! Love it all.
I would have to say...
Be WHO God wants you to be, first off. Don't pretend. Be His girl!
Do not even consider falling in love with a non-believer! That unequally yoked thing is in the Bible for a reason! (Sounds unkind...but girl...it's important!)
Take time to be sure. I say that..and my hubby and I only dated 6 months before marriage. But....I had dated serious guys for much longer and couldn't get peace about them. He was the one and I knew it! You will too.
Be willing to stretch a bit. You will find yourself out of your comfort zone much of the time. Let God mold you into the wife that fits your marriage.
Read the Five Love Languages and recognize yours and his. Then utilize them appropriately. This will save lots of disagreements! No one wants to be speaking the wrong language! The tower of Babel all over again. :)
Love like it's all you got. There will be times...that you don't feel like loving....but do what it takes to honor God with your love.
One of the most important things is to forgive....and this you will have to do often. People are not perfect....grudges can wreck a marriage relationship. No vengeance type stuff. It's not healthy!
I'll finish with this....if you want to be a wife....make it your goal to be the best wife GOD would have you to be. Same with being a mother. Don't dabble with it. DO IT WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART! Not only will you feel the reward of being those roles....but your family will be blessed because of it.
God bless ya....and feel the prayers. It's a wonderful life...that God has given us.
ENJOY IT!
Anne-I am a women of divorce and remarriage. There is only one thing that makes a marriage work and thats a relationship with God TOGETHER. We pray together, we teach together, we talk about Him...it keeps our marriage rich, exciting and alive with passion. Passion for the One we serve, passion for each other. God is all you need-keep Him your priority in your relationship now and with your future marriage.
In His Graces~Pamela
I'm certain that it has all been said by now but wanted you to know that I'll be bookmarking (maybe printing!) this for my daughter. She's 18, and although I don't think that she is considering marriage anytime soon I know that she and her boyfriend have talked about it. I'd like to have this to give her so she knows from Godly women what marriage means.
Suppose you just found your next book topic? ;-)
Another great book that I LOVE is called For Women Only what you need to know about the inner lives of men by Shaunti Feldhahn. I wish I would have read it in the beginning of our marriage. Instead I read it like 12 years into it. But it really made me understand some of my huisbands quirks. It made me realize that just because he is a believer doesn't mean he's perfect. Although, there are times I would expect him to live up to such standards. Let God fill you, until He's ready to provide that man for you. HE (God) wants yo be your first love.
Would you rather be right or be married? I have to ask myself this a lot. Being right isn't always the real issue. Sometimes it's better to just keep quiet
This was a wonderful post! There were two previous bloggy friends that touched on my first thoughts: The sweet-thangs can't read your mind! My word, did it take me a LONG time to get that through my thick head. And, the book mentioned previously Love And Respect is awesome. We are going through the book as part of our small group/Sunday School. Best wishes to all for a God-fulfilled future! Love, Dawn
Such good reminders... we have a thing in our home where we "hug the cactus", choosing to love the prickly and unlovable that we can become. Some days you just let go of yourself and choose to love, because that's what love is... a choice. And as you choose to love, then those feelings that easily fade, rise up all over again. It's a wonderful circle that brings you both closer to God.
Going into marriage...
everbody has baggage. You just don't realize how much until you try to put it in the same closet.
Certainly after 24 years of marriage, I would say that it is work, but I still tell young ladies who are getting ready for marriage that to me it's like the "never-ending slumber party with your best friend!"
What a fun group of ladies!
To Annie, I would say, read all the above comments and Lysa's blog post because they said it all sooo well. And, Hi!
To Lysa, you continue to amaze me with your ability to express what we all need to hear with grace and love. I know God is the final author but we are all grateful that you let Him use you so powerfully on a daily basis! Your posts always make a person think, want to comment and think some more.
Yes, Lord!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_marriage_map.htm
I guess I missed this yesterday, it was a busy day as I registered our 2 oldest for public school. I am pretty sure I filled out more paper work than I did when we bought our home! CRAZY!
I wanted to share this link (at the top.) It explains in general terms the phases that marriages go through. I have found these phases to be true in our marriage (of 13 years.) If I had known how normal it is to go through these stages/phases I would have relaxed about what was happening in our early years. Perhaps I would have realized that what we were going through was very normal.
Tanya
I wrote a fun book about this. From Blushing Bride to Wedded Wife (Harvest House, 2006). If Annie would like a copy, have her contact me.
http://www.taviano.com/marla
After being married for almost 21 years I've only recently realized some very important keys. We need to realize that we are not married to our spouses in heaven - of course we will know our spouse in heaven but they won't be our marriage partner in heaven (Matthew 22:23-30). Marriage is like a test here on earth - a test of our willingness to lay down our life (I'm not talking about being a doormat) but to love the Lord so much that we are willing to look past our spouses shoulder and see the Lord Jesus and be respectful of our spouse even if he doesn't deserve it and do this out of your love for the Lord because He calls us to do that. Like Lysa says over and over all that we need comes from the Lord not from our husbands. Our husbands have needs that we don't have as we have needs that he doesn't have. This has been such an eye opener to me so much so that by using some of these keys it has unlocked a unity between my husband and I that is so rich and beautiful because it's God's way not man's way. That's just a snippet - hope that helps. Blessings to all of you,
I wish I had read this 33 years ago. I would not have married my first husband. In fact, I iwould not have married my 2nd husband 10 years ago either.
Gosh, knowing how much Annie loves the Lord, I know that He will be first in HER marriage. And I know that she will meet the right guy and he is gonna think she is the prettiest, funniest, smartest girl in all of America (and Georgia ;-). But, if I had to give advice to a single person regarding marriage I would say that I think there is wisdom in keeping your distance before marriage....I know people who never even held hands before their wedding --- that may be taking it a little too far, but I guess it depends upon the people.
I would also say that after you are married remembering to put your spouse's needs above your cannot hurt. (That is as long as he does the same most of the time). Remembering that no one wins an argument and that there is never an option to walk out--- it is your duty to God to stay and work things out. Sometimes you have to give in even when you are convinced you are right and he is wrong.
But before a single girl meets Mr. Right, I think the best advice would be enjoy your time as a single even though the rest of the world seems to be paired up, when you do get married, it will seem as though everyone else is single....When I was single all I could think about was getting married, now I wish I had stopped to enjoy myself more instead of focusing on finding the right guy. I wish hI had spent my time focusing on my relationship with my First Love instead of trying to find a mate.....because what is more attractive to a Christian man than a woman who loves Jesus with her whole heart? Confidence speaks volumes to potential mates and true confidence only comes through a right relationship with Jesus......in other words Chicks that Love Jesus are Hot! (I mean that in the most reverent way of course)
Keep your body as alluring as God meant it to be. Some women grow "dutchy" as soon as the ring is on their finger. They wear clothes about the house that would do better at a hard times party.
Just remember the vows, he promises to love you for better for worse. for richer for poorer, but, there is no mention of through thick and thin.
Don't push too hard. Pray for patience. Give each other room to grow.
Put the emphasis on the good things
Look for the best and put it in words
Annie's my hero. She already knows it, so I can say it here. It's funny though, she and I don't talk about relationships other than the ones that we have with Jesus. But I think I've always known how she felt because I feel it, too. By no means are we old, but we're behind the Southern standard for marrying age and for once I think I'm glad.
I'm glad because I'm learning more and more about how not ready I am to be a godly wife. I'm selfish and fool hardy and my heart's still a little ripped open from that crazy guy that I thought was my forever.
But Jesus is healing me and molding me and loving me better than any man ever could and in that love I'm finally seeing more clearly.
I'm seeing opportunities to build relationships and share fellowship with women like Annie and all of the incredible women that she introduces me to.
And now, more than ever, I know that God is good and that His timing is so much better than my own. Praise Him for that and for women like all of you who share his wisdom with silly girls like me.
" It is the little rift within the lute
That by and by may make the music mute!"
Say your sorry.
Don't ridicule, be overfastidiousness, don't wave before him the honors of others, love him for him not for youself.
Sex is a sacrament. And among the best of His good things is sex at its best.
Blessed is the woman who can celebrate her husband's virility with a true generosity and often seeks not so much to be loved as to love,
Give 10 percent, save 10 percent and spend the rest with thanksgiving and praise.
Great post and great comments.
Here's my 2 cents, Annie, and you have probably heard it before. I believe it is a mantra to live by as a wife:
Marriage is NOT 50/50. It's 100/100. A wife is not half a person; be willing to give 100%. That is your commitment to your groom and your God!
There is so much wisdom here. I second all of it, especially Leslie.
My addition: when you are dating, I believe it is supposed to be EASY. Dating should be EASY. No mind games, no guessing - he sees you, he pursues you, he declares he can't live without you. Pretty white dress. Ta da. No tears, no drama. Well, we are women with hormones, so MINIMAL tears, MINIMAL drama. Marriage, kids, money, inlaws, pregnancy, even sex - that's hard. That's gonna bring out the sin in both of you. The dating and engagement should be a time of, I cannot believe I found you, you coolest thing ever you. No, you're the coolest thing ever. No, you're the coolest thing ever. Like that.
2 - When you buy a home together, make sure the commode in your master bath has its own door. She said, with a tinge of regret in her voice.
Love you Annie.
-Mis
Love him from behind your stove. Don't eat out so much.
Compassionate Heart
Thanks for that Lysa, and for all of those comments.
I have discovered that God gives love and life to us all, and being single doesn't make us half a person. God makes us whole and he gives excitement, adventure and completeness to our lives, whether we are single or married.
Waiting for the right person to come along isn't about waiting, it's about living your life for God wherever you are and whatever you do. Loving being content with God in singleness and looking forward to sharing my life with someone else if God wills it.
Thanks for your blog Lysa, and for your books, and for being willing to share your life in God with complete strangers.
Selina.
I have two sons. So having a spin blog with manly advice could be interesting, too.
Great post!
Wow. I jumped over her from Annie's blog, and what should have been a quick read and go to bed, turned out to be an hour later! Great comments. It was like a great book I couldn't put down.
I loved the marriage map by Johnsonfamilyof6. That really rings true for me (married over 7 years). I think I'm somewhere between Stage 3 and Stage 4 or 2 and 3. I'm waffling on it still. So, so, so true. It is AWESOME information that everyone should read. It could actually save marriages if more people would realize there are these stages and to JUST HANG IN THERE! It also helps me understand my own marriage.
Also, I really appreciated what Sandy had to say about marriage giving us a chance to be blind and deaf. Wow. That really hit home.
I also agree with someone above who said she wishes now (though she is now married) that she had enjoyed her singleness more. I have the same regrets. It seems the grass is always greener...when I was single, I wanted to be married. Now that I'm married, I miss some things about being single. Crazy, ungrateful people we can be (or *I* can be, at least). :-)
One more thing (for when the Lord does bring that right guy into your life) -- and many have already said this -- a lady who had been married for over 50 years gave us a small plaque for our wedding that said, "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." So important.
That's beautiful and so right-on. I have nothing to add. Except that I love Nashville and wish I could have joined you all! :-)
I love your post. I have nothing to add because if you add to many particular bits of advice, it gets to not fit every couple and then people are trying too hard to be like someone else. So many of those details are how a couple works it out themselves and doesn't apply to others.
As a 41-year old single, never been married, adventurous girl who loves Jesus and by the grace of God has become the right partner, I appreciate all these comments!!
I appreciate you writing this because lately I've been thinking of what I want in life and I would love to be a wife. And this season in my life, God is really showing me His perspective on my life and how my expectations have been leading to my disappointments. As He gently leads me to see His perspective, I am humbled and live more content. Thank you!
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