"I know what would be fun to do today... let's make Mom go crazy."

I'm a little busy this morning trying not to go crazy. I'll let you talk amongst yourselves as to the reason why. I'm going out for a run- jog- cellulite jiggler- exercise session to hopefully regain some mental stability before my people wake up.

I'll be back in a little while to tell the tale.

Okay... I'm back.

So, as a mom do you ever feel like you say the same things over and over and over and over everyday, all the time?

I think next time I go into the radio studio to record my show, I should have a recording made of my voice saying the following:

* We flush everytime we go in this house- no exceptions

* An empty toilet paper roll is a call to action before you sit down people

* The dryer lint must be cleaned out after every load lest you want our house to burn down and render us homeless

* If the orange juice container is empty, it goes in the trash not back in the fridge

* When mom says we are eating leftovers, it does not translate into meaning have your brother drive you over to the Target so you can eat candy and pretzels instead

* We'd all be much happier if toe nails were clipped outside and not at the kitchen table--- hello sanitation violation

* If you spill something sweet and sticky on the floor, just humor me and clean it before the ants come

Yes, so these are the things that my recorded voice could say over the PA system throughout the house. If we had a PA system that is.

I say these things over and over.

But now I have a new thing to add to the list. Honestly, I never pictured myself having to teach this lesson.

It just never crossed my mind that I would need to say to the kids, "If you find a mattress in the neighbor's trash pile, do not place it in our pond and use it as a flotation device."

Because then it will fill up with water and be impossible to get out of the pond.

And then everyone who comes to visit will suddenly have a flashback to a certain Jeff Foxworthy comedy skit called, "You might be a redneck if... you have a dadgum mattress floating in the pond in your front yard."

Of course king daddy told the kids to "take care of said mattress situation."

And they did.

They went out and jumped and jumped and jumped until the mattress sank.

Of course they didn't tell us that's how they'd taken care of it. All this time, we assumed it was back in the trash pile.

And then one beautiful morning as the sun rose, so did the mattress.

I called Holly and told her I think I might need some kind of medication to help me survive y'all.