Hello to this day where life is quite simply happening. You know the kind. Whew... sorry for the later than normal posting.
Anywho....
So, this past weekend I had me a good ol' fashioned SIT-U-ATION!
It started with this really horrible smell.
When I say really horrible, I mean really bad. Like the go get a clothes pin on your nose and start making a new fashion statement- kind of bad.
I first smelled it when one of the conference officials asked me to sign some papers. I reached into Holly's tote bag, retrieved the papers, and started signing them. And they STUNK!
But clearly being some sort of paper expert, I reasoned that sometimes paper mills smell a little sour so these papers must have carried that unfortunate smell with them from the factory. I even quipped to gal tapping on the clip board beside me, "These papers smell funny. Did you smell them?"
She just looked at me, smiled, and must have rationalized I was having some sort of pre-stage delusion.
Then she took the stinky papers and was off.
But the smell lingered.
I next smelled it when I pulled my Bible out of the tote bag and flipped to mark a few Scriptures I'd be addressing during my message.
Whew! Peeeeeee-UUUUUUU! Oh my stars, my Bible smelled so awful. Clearly this was some sort of demonic attack with all sorts of symbolism.
What in the world was happening? Everything around me smelled horrid. I walked around the church trying to escape the smell but it was everywhere.
Finally I went into a bathroom stall to sniff my way into an explanation. Y'all I could not for the life of me figure out where the smell was coming from. And I was supposed to step up on stage in front of 800 women in just mere moments. Women who would afterwards want to come up and talk to me.
Hello????!!!! "I'm sorry Lysa is unavailable to sign books tonight because she ummmm... stinks?"
Panic was choking the breath out of me as I slinked into the church and sat in my assigned seat. Next to all "Big Name" speakers. Who, by the way, all smelled lovely.
"Lord if there was ever a time to part a little red sea for me, now would be it. Please numb everyone's sense of smell in this place. Or, do like you did when you turned water into wine and ummmm turn stink smell into rose petals... please?"
I pretended everything was fine as I got my conference booklet out of the tote bag and flipped it open to take notes. Unhunh... it stunk too.
Meanwhile, Holly is having her own set of stink issues. When she pulled the book stands out of the tote bag to set up the book table, the smell about knocked her over. "Hmmmm, these are some stinky book stands she reasoned. "
But neither of us mentioned to the other our great smell concerns.
UNTIL...
Half way through another speaker's talk I reached into the side pocket of the tote bag to retrieve a pen and felt something that was not a pen. I pulled this soft, squishy, thing out of the side pocket and THE SMELL intensified to epic proportions.
It was Holly's son's bathing suit that had been placed in that side pocket of the bag when it was very wet with salt water--- TWO WEEKS AGO.
Y'all there is no smell like rank, stale, salty ocean water fermenting inside a balled up bathing suit stuffed inside a nylon tote bag pocket.
It was the perfect recipe for some sort of gas that I'm positive was TOXIC.
The next day, I was determined to be the best smelling speaker at the conference. I came armed with my "Dream" Gap perfume and a quest to make sure people do know I have heard of a word called 'hygiene.'
When I was all alone in the backstage green room, I sprayed everything. My front, my underarms, my hair, and my Bible.
YUM!
About that time a few people from the praise band walked in. The lead singer guy, without hesitation quipped, "Whew. What is that awful smell? I mean that is just horrid."
To which his friend said, "Yeah. I think they just replaced the plug ins back here. Ewwwfff, someone needs to tell them to chill with the smells dude."
And with that a giant black hole swallowed me whole only to regurgitate me onto the main stage where I was speaking just seconds later. Stink and all. Have mercy.
Anywho....
So, this past weekend I had me a good ol' fashioned SIT-U-ATION!
It started with this really horrible smell.
When I say really horrible, I mean really bad. Like the go get a clothes pin on your nose and start making a new fashion statement- kind of bad.
I first smelled it when one of the conference officials asked me to sign some papers. I reached into Holly's tote bag, retrieved the papers, and started signing them. And they STUNK!
But clearly being some sort of paper expert, I reasoned that sometimes paper mills smell a little sour so these papers must have carried that unfortunate smell with them from the factory. I even quipped to gal tapping on the clip board beside me, "These papers smell funny. Did you smell them?"
She just looked at me, smiled, and must have rationalized I was having some sort of pre-stage delusion.
Then she took the stinky papers and was off.
But the smell lingered.
I next smelled it when I pulled my Bible out of the tote bag and flipped to mark a few Scriptures I'd be addressing during my message.
Whew! Peeeeeee-UUUUUUU! Oh my stars, my Bible smelled so awful. Clearly this was some sort of demonic attack with all sorts of symbolism.
What in the world was happening? Everything around me smelled horrid. I walked around the church trying to escape the smell but it was everywhere.
Finally I went into a bathroom stall to sniff my way into an explanation. Y'all I could not for the life of me figure out where the smell was coming from. And I was supposed to step up on stage in front of 800 women in just mere moments. Women who would afterwards want to come up and talk to me.
Hello????!!!! "I'm sorry Lysa is unavailable to sign books tonight because she ummmm... stinks?"
Panic was choking the breath out of me as I slinked into the church and sat in my assigned seat. Next to all "Big Name" speakers. Who, by the way, all smelled lovely.
"Lord if there was ever a time to part a little red sea for me, now would be it. Please numb everyone's sense of smell in this place. Or, do like you did when you turned water into wine and ummmm turn stink smell into rose petals... please?"
I pretended everything was fine as I got my conference booklet out of the tote bag and flipped it open to take notes. Unhunh... it stunk too.
Meanwhile, Holly is having her own set of stink issues. When she pulled the book stands out of the tote bag to set up the book table, the smell about knocked her over. "Hmmmm, these are some stinky book stands she reasoned. "
But neither of us mentioned to the other our great smell concerns.
UNTIL...
Half way through another speaker's talk I reached into the side pocket of the tote bag to retrieve a pen and felt something that was not a pen. I pulled this soft, squishy, thing out of the side pocket and THE SMELL intensified to epic proportions.
It was Holly's son's bathing suit that had been placed in that side pocket of the bag when it was very wet with salt water--- TWO WEEKS AGO.
Y'all there is no smell like rank, stale, salty ocean water fermenting inside a balled up bathing suit stuffed inside a nylon tote bag pocket.
It was the perfect recipe for some sort of gas that I'm positive was TOXIC.
The next day, I was determined to be the best smelling speaker at the conference. I came armed with my "Dream" Gap perfume and a quest to make sure people do know I have heard of a word called 'hygiene.'
When I was all alone in the backstage green room, I sprayed everything. My front, my underarms, my hair, and my Bible.
YUM!
About that time a few people from the praise band walked in. The lead singer guy, without hesitation quipped, "Whew. What is that awful smell? I mean that is just horrid."
To which his friend said, "Yeah. I think they just replaced the plug ins back here. Ewwwfff, someone needs to tell them to chill with the smells dude."
And with that a giant black hole swallowed me whole only to regurgitate me onto the main stage where I was speaking just seconds later. Stink and all. Have mercy.
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