Whenever I've stepped out to do something I felt God calling me to do the voices of criticism and condemnation have been there to greet me. Early on in ministry the voices were loud and cruel.
"You'll never be a speaker."
"You are not wanted."
"Look at you. Do you really think God could use someone like you?"
And sometimes it was the way I measured myself against other people, "She's so clever. She's so educated. She's so connected. Who am I compared to all that?"
So, I shrank back. I pulled away. I put up a front of perfection with carefully crafted words and a house and kids that looked just right. Polished on the outside yet completely undone on the inside.
Eventually the Lord called my bluff. He's good at that. I was simultaneously going through both "Experiencing God" and "Victory Over the Darkness." Often I would have tears stream from my eyes while attempting to get through the lessons. But one day it was more than just tears. It was sobs pouring from a chest so heavy with burdens I thought I might literally break apart. Down on my face, I asked God to speak to me.
What I heard in reply was one simple yet life changing question, "Will you share your story?"
"Yes, I will share my story. The good parts. The parts that are safe and tidy and acceptable."
But safe and tidy and acceptable were not what God was looking for.
He wanted the impossible. Totally impossible. Absolutely impossible... in my strength.
God wouldn't drop it. He met every one of my arguments with Scriptures about relying not on my strength but on Him. He untangled my need for approval with the challenge to live for an audience of One. He helped me see where the voices of doubt were coming from and challenged me to consider the source. And quite simply He kept whispering He loved me over and over again.
The first time I shared my story was nothing but an act of absolute obedience. I kept my head down and my guard up. I expected the ladies listening to all start stoning me...
... especially when I got to the part about my abortion.
The shame of all the abuse and rejection was nothing compared to the shame of my choice to abort my child. I'd wept over that choice. I'd repented. I'd gone to God hundreds of times and asked for forgiveness. I'd laid it down every time there was an alter call. But nothing brought the redemption that this day brought.
As I stood shaking at that podium, I shared exactly what and how God asked me to share. And then the miracle happened. As I finished and dared to look up at their reactions, tear stained faces were looking back and me. Mouths were whispering, "Me too. Me too."
In that moment, I finally understood, "What Satan means for evil, God can use for good." Seeing God use the very thing that made me feel utterly worthless to help others, changed everything. I was finally free from Satan's chains of shame and could see his lies for what they were.
I'm not sure why God had me share this today. But maybe you do.
"You'll never be a speaker."
"You are not wanted."
"Look at you. Do you really think God could use someone like you?"
And sometimes it was the way I measured myself against other people, "She's so clever. She's so educated. She's so connected. Who am I compared to all that?"
So, I shrank back. I pulled away. I put up a front of perfection with carefully crafted words and a house and kids that looked just right. Polished on the outside yet completely undone on the inside.
Eventually the Lord called my bluff. He's good at that. I was simultaneously going through both "Experiencing God" and "Victory Over the Darkness." Often I would have tears stream from my eyes while attempting to get through the lessons. But one day it was more than just tears. It was sobs pouring from a chest so heavy with burdens I thought I might literally break apart. Down on my face, I asked God to speak to me.
What I heard in reply was one simple yet life changing question, "Will you share your story?"
"Yes, I will share my story. The good parts. The parts that are safe and tidy and acceptable."
But safe and tidy and acceptable were not what God was looking for.
He wanted the impossible. Totally impossible. Absolutely impossible... in my strength.
God wouldn't drop it. He met every one of my arguments with Scriptures about relying not on my strength but on Him. He untangled my need for approval with the challenge to live for an audience of One. He helped me see where the voices of doubt were coming from and challenged me to consider the source. And quite simply He kept whispering He loved me over and over again.
The first time I shared my story was nothing but an act of absolute obedience. I kept my head down and my guard up. I expected the ladies listening to all start stoning me...
... especially when I got to the part about my abortion.
The shame of all the abuse and rejection was nothing compared to the shame of my choice to abort my child. I'd wept over that choice. I'd repented. I'd gone to God hundreds of times and asked for forgiveness. I'd laid it down every time there was an alter call. But nothing brought the redemption that this day brought.
As I stood shaking at that podium, I shared exactly what and how God asked me to share. And then the miracle happened. As I finished and dared to look up at their reactions, tear stained faces were looking back and me. Mouths were whispering, "Me too. Me too."
In that moment, I finally understood, "What Satan means for evil, God can use for good." Seeing God use the very thing that made me feel utterly worthless to help others, changed everything. I was finally free from Satan's chains of shame and could see his lies for what they were.
I'm not sure why God had me share this today. But maybe you do.
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